Yacht Rock

I'm not sure if I've ever seen early 80's corporate rock portrayed so well. Yacht Rock Episode 11 tells the story of Jimmy Buffett coercing Kenny Loggins into writing Footloose for a favor to be paid by Kevin Bacon and a Hollywood music exec. Kevin Lee guest stars as Bacon. And it's fucking hilarious.

Word to the Dubs for sending me this.

Super Mario Bros. 2: A Cover-up...REVEALED!

In case you didn't notice when you were 7 years old, Super Mario Bros. 2 kinda sucks. The game deviated entirely from the original's formula of enemies, attacks, movement, health, and even level design. Instead of Koopa Troopas, we get Shy Guys, which look like psychotic Ewoks wearing Jason masks (fortunately these nightmarish chimeras can be injured by a thrown turnip or sundry other veggies). Instead of your Seattle hippie-style mushroom-based health regeneration scheme have to collect cherries seemingly nailed to thin air. And instead of Bowzer, the inimical lizard-tyrant at the end of the first SMB, you get Wart, a bloated, effete, burping frog that's deathly allergic to thrown vegetables as the final boss. And oh yeah, the whole game is a fucking dream. Snooze.

(LEFT) Super Mario Bros. 2. (RIGHT) Doki Doki Panic. Fuck you, Nintendo.

As it turns out, there's a reason for this: SMB2 isn't actually a Mario game. Wait what? Indeed, the U.S. Super Mario Bros. 2 game we were all playing was, in fact, a very slightly doctored version of a Japanese game called Dream Factory: Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic. The levels are identical, the enemies are identical, and the playable characters are identical, except for the graphical sprites themselves. So while the Japanese were all enjoying their actual SMB sequel (now titled Super Mario Bros. All-Stars in the U.S.), we were gullibly swallowing some cheap Japanese knock-off. Seriously, did they think we'd never figure this out? Well, it took 20 years, I suppose.

The thing on the right is the effeminate final boss to SMB2, Wart. I guess that's an Asian crab on the left.

Truth be told, I didn't figure this out. Some guy in search of YouTube glory put together a whole exposé which I'm just summarizing here. Oh, you want to watch it---and I strongly suggest you do---well then here's the video. Credit goes to NJB '08 for this find.

Mindless Entertainment

Yet another piece of evidence that Tokyo may be overpopulated. Apparently this is a wave pool, but there's a lot of Japanese people in the way so you can't see the water. It actually looks kinda cool once the waves get going. Yeah, I know, "whatever."

When weathermen do cocaine...

... this happens:

Weather Forecast Weather Maps Weather Radar

About a minute into the 1:30 clip he finally gets to the "Washington DC Forecast" we were kinda hoping to hear about. This video is probably for a limited time only, so act fast. And it's entirely work safe.

Movies to Look Forward To

While browsing Apple's movie trailer page (I'm not sure why they have one) I found a couple of movies that look like they have potential. And here they are:

Ghosts of Cite Soleil

THINKfilm

This film follows the story of two brothers who lead opposing factions in a gang war for control of Haiti's abject slum of Cite Soleil leading up to the overthrow of Aristide's regime in 2004. If that and the movie's poster (left image) doesn't sound menacing enough, the gangs' foot solders are called "chimeras," or ghosts, thus the title. Sounds dangerous, huh? Amazingly, this is a documentary. I have a strange fascination with places of complete moral neglect and base depravity, but I lack the adrenaline lust to go see it for myself, so I'm glad that this camera crew risked their lives for my $8. I hereby nominate them for a "Balls of Steel" Oscar Award.

Trailer

1.18.08

Paramount/Bad Robot

At least there's no risk of anachronisms for this title. The trailer begins by putting the audience in the middle of the story as a character videotaping the surprise birthday party that's unfolding. Everyone's having a good old time, there's some hot chicks and slick i-bankers sharking them, and then shit starts to go south unexpectedly. Interestingly, there's no summary text for the movie, just the trailer alone, which adds to the mystery. Some even speculate it's a Voltron movie. It's obviously some sort of monster or alien invasion flick, but it's got potential for several reasons. First, it's written by Drew Goddard and directed by J.J. Abrams, the masterminds behind Lost, Angel, Alias, and Buffy. Sure, most of these you might consider cultish WB series, but they have a surprisingly large, rabid, and maniacally defensive following. Second, filming in the first-person seems to be more engaging to the audience (see the end to Dawn of the Dead (2004)--spoiler). And lastly, I have a big soft spot for Godzilla-type movies, having watched the same ones ad nauseum as a tyke. Anyway, this movie's got potential, though it has to toe a very thin line in order to pan out.

Trailer

I Am Legend

Warner Bros/Village Roadshow

Another apocalyptic movie, right? Well, yeah, but if these "end of days" type movies were done right the first time we wouldn't be left wanting for more. Sure, this is your typical Will Smith movie that starts out with something like, "My name is John Armstead. I am the last man on Earth," but damnit it's cool. N8K over at Slain By An Elf joked that it looks like The Day After Independence Day, and it does, but The Day After Tomorrow was terrible, and Independence Day made me wonder why the aliens didn't try more than once, so why wouldn't this cinematic gold? Oh wait. My prediction: entertainment.

Trailer

Sunshine

Fox Searchlight

The plot goes something like... the Sun is dying in the not-too-distant future and the Earth sends a cadre of attractive astronauts to plant a device inside that will reinitiate the nuclear fusion process to keep us all alive. The mission starts to turn for the worst when they discover the Sun is pretty hot and the ship isn't working right. Sounds pretty droll, but toward the end of the trailer we discover that there's some weird shit going down on the ship and, in fact, there's an unidentified additional "crew member" that might have something to do with their difficulties. It looks like a hybrid of Event Horizon, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Sphere (the book, not the awful awful movie). Probably the film's most encouraging feature is Cillian Murphy, who's one of my favorite actors (28 Days Later, Batman Begins, The Wind That Shakes the Barley). It could be a wash, but I'm guessing otherwise.

Trailer

We Got To Do Better

Thanks to the show of the same name that pointed me in the direction of this, uh, commercial? Words can't really even begin to describe this clip, so you be the judge. Make sure the sound is on and that you're not within anyone's earshot.

Sen. Redenbacher (D-WV) castigates Michael Vick for "barbarism"

REUTERS, July 20, 2007, Washington, D.C.:

The posthumously revived corpse of beloved popcorn-spokesman Senator Orville Redenbacher took to the Senate floor for over 25 minutes Thursday to decry the indictment of Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick for allegations that he led a dogfighting ring out of one of his homes in Virginia. After much legal scrutiny, Reuters has confirmed that dogfighting is indeed illegal in all 50 U.S. states and its territories, in addition to every developed and most developing countries around the world. The indictment would appear to hold up in a court of law.

Sen. Redenbacher took the moral lead in this fight against the inhumane treatment of other creatures, even as many of his fellow legislators recently celebrated Vick's revival of the ancient pastime of dogfighting. "It's barbaric! Barbaric! Barbaric! It's barbaric! ......................... Barbaric! ...... Barbaric!!! It's barbaric! ................ BARBARIC!!!" Redenbacher strongly repeated 8 times while madly pumping his fist at a handful of bewildered tourists and a sleeping C-SPAN 2 cameraman in the cavernous Senate chamber Thursday [5:20 - 6:40 in the clip].

Clearly finding his wheelhouse, Sen. Redenbacher again vituperated the indictment by vicariously handing down God's own judgment on the matter by stating that "I am confident that the hottest places in hell are reserved for the souls of sick and brutal people who hold God's creatures in such brutal and cruel contempt." Some critics have wondered whether Redenbacher's 12-year hiatus in the tomb has affected his recollection of having been a leading member of the Klu Klux Klan's Exalted Cyclops chapter for 5 years in the 1940's before winning his first seat in Congress, where he has led for over 55 years. In the past, Redenbacher has indeed made several vague allusions to his views on racial integration:

"Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."

"I shall never fight in the armed forces with a Negro by my side."

It appeared that Redenbacher worked himself into a froth enough to have even caused a brief, mild stroke, evidenced by the long pause in his oratory [located at 6:10 in the clip]. An aide of the reanimated Sen. Redenbacher was seen shooting a concerned glance at the Senator just as he began to regain consciousness and his soul returned to his body.

Following this long-winded, meaningful diatribe, Sen. Redenbacher retired from the Senate chamber and stiffly plodded toward the nearest cemetery.

Sources say he forgot to validate his parking.


---Brice Lord, reporting

The only news you'll hear from the Tour de France this year

Trivia Question: When will the Tour de France be held this year?

Answer: It's been going on for nearly 2 weeks.


Despite the extreme condition of physical fitness required of individuals to compete in this 22-day marathon on wheels, nobody really cares about it; that is, unless Lance Armstrong plans to win again with the gross audacity not seen since Babe Ruth pointed to the center field wall in 1933.

Is the Tour even on television anymore? Or is it on something crappy like ESPN The Ocho, reserved for niche events like Japanese Shame and Pain Tournament and Hot Dog Eating competitions? Sometimes you'll meet someone that is like really into the Tour de France and just needs to tell you that he enjoys it because he doesn't miss the forest for the trees like everyone else. These are a similar breed of asshole to those who dig the America's Cup sailboat race. I bet the application to the America's Cup looks something like this:


Registration for America's Cup (Sailboat Race)
Complete the following information, filling in the circles when necessary.

Name: _Brice Lord___________
Address: __1549 Awesome Lane______
Race: o White o Other
Annual Income: o $19,000,000-$20,000,000 o >$20,000,000
Domeciles: o 2 o 3 o 4 o more than my neighbor
Wife's Modeling Agency: o Ford o IMG o Elite o DNA
Boat type: __sail-thingy with big pole in the middle for the wind__


Notice how the America's Cup administration department hasn't even figured out how to use the "forms" function in MS Word.

You know, the America's Cup would be a SHITLOAD cooler if each boat was given a mounted Howitzer and a couple of sea mines. The commentators then might stop talking about a teams' tacking ability and focus on something more interesting, like casualty rates.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the Tour de France.

So a dog got hit by a bicyclist the other day and it's downright hilarious. Fucking dog. It just walks across the road, on which a hundred bicyclists are streaking past every minute---at probably around 30mph---and thinks that's a fine idea. It gets hit and sends the bicyclist flying. The dog walks away from the wreck sheepishly eyeing the camera like a child who just poured milk onto his little sister's head. And when I saw this last night, predictably, Erica Hill, Anderson Cooper's own Ed McMahon, says, "Well I hope the dog is alright." Fuck you Erica! If I drove my Moroccan boyfriend's yellow Miata against traffic on I-495 causing a wreck that ejected a family of four from their Chevy Tahoe would you hope aloud that I came out of it okay without regard to the family? No, you wouldn't because any reasonable organism wouldn't do that. Just because it's a dog doesn't mean it's allowed to be fucking retarded. You're still pretty hot though, Erica.

Anyway, here's the video of the dog getting hit by the bicyclist:

Sir Charles

This is what it would look like if somebody had a stroke in the middle of their golf swing. It's actually Charles Barkley's.

Kids show predicts end of mankind

I've been meaning to post this for awhile now, but it took me some time (another way of saying "awhile") to find the clip.

Those of you in my immediate demographic will remember Talk Soup, a show that played clips of various talk shows---then in their hey day---and then tore into them hilariously. The show fell into the doldrums during a five year stretch after its host (and only on-air personality) left, but was miraculously reborn (not unlike Jean Gray from X-Men, or Jesus from the New Testament) when a Rose Bowl ring-wearing Seattleite named Joel McHale stepped in.

The new reincarnation, called The Soup, ruthlessly chides the absurd world of reality TV, celebrity gossip, and just generally the vacuous self-import people on TV give themselves.

While it may not fit into any of those above categories, a few months ago, McHale derided this underproduced kids show called "Gina D's" that included a bizarre song and dance number that manages to unite the creative space between Nostradamus and Barney the Dinosaur. With her voice creepily enhanced by that weird Cher-"Believe" underwater effect, Gina D tells her youthful progeny that:

"There's a land of all dinosaurs/
spread around American shores/
waiting for the day and planning their way/
to rule all the world."

I'm sorry, what? First, there's a secret land of dinosaurs hidden somewhere among the coastline of the U.S.: the most populated part of the country? And second, these maniacal reptiles are working together to devise a plot to rise up and take over the entire planet? This is like the DinoBots teaming up with Cobra Command, for god's sakes. But does Gina D offer unilateral progressive bargaining arbitration with the dinosaur aggressors, or a campaign of preemptive special forces strikes to incapacitate their fragile clam-shell communication network? No, she just keeps fucking singing in that tin-can aqua-voice.

Later in the clip, other Soup staples such as Mankini and Running Prostitute wander around the set. All in all, it's pretty damn funny. If you think otherwise, you're wrong. Dead wrong.

More "Soup" clips can be found on the show's YouTube channel. New ones air and re-air Tuesday's at 8:30am and 9:00pm, Wednesdays at 1:00pm, and Thursdays at 6:30pm. Send me a check, Joel.

"Sweet!"

You're gonna thank me for this one.

You probably (didn't) read my post on American Gladiators a few months ago, but this is an excellent follow-up to it (with much thanks to Mr. Chris, Esq.). In the previous post, there's a shot of Gladiator Malibu giving a sick arm pump after nailing some douchebag with the tennis ball cannon in The Assault. Thankfully, somebody with too much time managed to actually find a clip of Malibu being interviewed by one of the "floor reporters" after a nasty hit he took during the Human Cannonball. You will not be disappointed by this clip.

Malibu speaking.

It's pretty obvious that his lines were written by the same stoned dudes who wrote the script for Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. And I'll note, dorkingly, that Malibu probably wouldn't come out from a day of "cosmic rays" with the deep beach tan he's prominently displaying to all the girls in the audience with hot pink tank tops and cut-off jean shorts.

And for all us mid->late 20-something males out there, you'll be "shitting the bed" with joy to hear that ESPN Classic purchased the rights to American Gladiators, and is currently showing it every weeknight at 7pm and weekends at 9am and 10am.

Back to my day off.

Bumps

I'm a proud if not confused fan of the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup. I'm maybe not so into the weird import japanime, but rather the reruns of Futurama and Family Guy, as well as the forcibly odd Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sealab 2021, and Home Movies shows.

Adult Swim has these strange little animated segments before each show starts that are called "bumps." Maybe they're called that because they usually have some weird electronic music bumping in the background, or because they're so short (like 10 seconds) they're just a bump in the programming. Whatever the purpose, they quickly succeed at making you feel like you're a depthless, suited yes-man talking to an impenetrably pretentious art school kid living in the Williamsburg district of Brooklyn. I'd also describe them as if you were watching a hybrid of a Aphex Twin, Beastie Boys, and Black Hole Sun-era Soundgarden music video.

Words are meaningless for describing video, so here's one I found absolutely hilarious for some weird reason. Maybe I was just really tired. It's this goofy looking giant robot dancing with a bunch of bikini-clad women to a ridiculous techno beat, but then something goes horribly wrong for no reason. Make sure you turn the sound on, and enjoy it if you can.

Click here for the video, or on the above picture.