I'm not sure if I've ever seen early 80's corporate rock portrayed so well. Yacht Rock Episode 11 tells the story of Jimmy Buffett coercing Kenny Loggins into writing Footloose for a favor to be paid by Kevin Bacon and a Hollywood music exec. Kevin Lee guest stars as Bacon. And it's fucking hilarious.
Word to the Dubs for sending me this.
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Friday, August 01, 2008
Friday, December 28, 2007
NewCDs
I got some new CD's for Xmas. Here's what they are:
1) Black Moth Super Rainbow: Dandelion Gum
2) The Advantage: The Advantage
3) Say Hi To Your Mom: Numbers and Mumbles
4) Okkervil River: The Black Sheep Boy Appendix
5) Emperor X: Central Hug/Friend Army/Fractal Dunes
Is this sufficiently indie or should I try better next time?
1) Black Moth Super Rainbow: Dandelion Gum
2) The Advantage: The Advantage
3) Say Hi To Your Mom: Numbers and Mumbles
4) Okkervil River: The Black Sheep Boy Appendix
5) Emperor X: Central Hug/Friend Army/Fractal Dunes
Is this sufficiently indie or should I try better next time?
Friday, April 06, 2007
"Wu-Tang must watch a lot of TV"
That's an understatement.
I've been listening to a lot of what's considered now to be old school rap, predominantly by members of the Wu-Tang Clan. I just downloaded Liquid Swords, GZA's original side project, and have been cruising through the day at work. The Wu's pretty much perfect for doing work, the beats are repetitive, calm, and the flows are the same; that is, unless Ghostface starts talking about how his shoes talk when he shrooms or ODB busts in with some half-sung line about "the poonany splash".
The problem is that when you get a good rap song in your head you can't say it out loud. This morning I was washing my hands in the "pantry" (coffee room) and was caught saying "What? What? Ya'll!" to myself by our Division Executive Director. Oh well. Now he knows I'm down AND fresh, and so not to be messed with.
In addition to being known for their merry-go-round incarcerations and incestuous side projects, Wu's famous for sampling random old kung-fu movies. Most of their albums are driven by these themes, for whatever reason (probably weed-inspired). They even put out a "movie" where they rap over a concatenation of these movies. A bowl and a starter 1/8th is included in the box set.
But this begs a question. No, not "why?" Asking why would only lead you into the mental equivalent of quicksand. What I wonder is where the hell they found all of these fucking movies? My friend Diesel, a German bodybuilder who works on the line at the Volkswagen factory in Königslutter, and who is obviously way ahead of me in rap I.Q., answered this question as stated in the subject of this post. They must watch a lot of TV.
Anyone who saw the MTV Cribs episode in Wu's house can verify this. Aside from the hilarity of seeing random Clanmen... hmm, maybe we should use "Wu-Tangers" instead... wandering around a huge mansion in Beverly Hills, Methodman was passed out on the couch with a PS2 controller, like 4 remote controls, and a bag of the sticky next to him.
Anyway, I came upon this pretty awesome list of movies that Wu-Tang samples in all its albums. It's not entirely complete, but anyone who's dedicated enough to put something like this together is probably too deeply invested in the Wu-Tang philosophy to properly finish it off. Enjoy.
Monday, April 02, 2007
...and music history was made
Just about anyone who ever watched MTV in the early 90's remembers Metallica's "Unforgiven," and its accompanying video that an entire generation of head-banging adolescents tried, and failed, to wrap their heads around. Of course, I don't think that was our fault, it still doesn't make any sense whatsoever---what, with the creepy, desicated old man shaking and wearing diapers, and carving weird things in the wall before finally escaping from the prison he walled himself into. I think Megadeth reused the set for "Sweating Bullets" not long after; prison videos were pretty popular with metal groups, I guess.
Anyway, the song still rocks, and retains a unique stigma among Metallica fans. Other than highlighting Metallica's departure from its previous albums, for whatever reason the band just doesn't play it live. I think they forgot the lyrics or something. "And I some-thing Unforgiiivuuuouuuhun, whoah-oh-whoah whoah."
What really sets this song apart from the others is its very unMetalica-like solo, without all the whammy pedalling and high-fretting we were all so used to. Metallica's new sound opened up the heavy metal floodgates to a main stream audience for the first time, and music's been different ever since.
This below clip comes from A Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica, a "rockumentary" recording Metallica's recording of their black album recording. For anyone who remembers Unforgiven or had a plutonic infatuation with Metallica (or Kirk Hammett, which might not be "plutonic" since it's Kirk Hammett), you'll enjoy this. This is how that solo was born.
In case you don't know, the guy with the long black hair is Metallica's lead guitarist, Kirk Hammett, and at the time, Guitar Player's "Guitarist of the Year"; the other guy is Metallica's producer for that album, Bob Rock. I'm sure you recognize Lars Ulrich, the blonde drummer, from the Metallica-Napster copyright debacle.
Anyway, the song still rocks, and retains a unique stigma among Metallica fans. Other than highlighting Metallica's departure from its previous albums, for whatever reason the band just doesn't play it live. I think they forgot the lyrics or something. "And I some-thing Unforgiiivuuuouuuhun, whoah-oh-whoah whoah."
What really sets this song apart from the others is its very unMetalica-like solo, without all the whammy pedalling and high-fretting we were all so used to. Metallica's new sound opened up the heavy metal floodgates to a main stream audience for the first time, and music's been different ever since.
This below clip comes from A Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica, a "rockumentary" recording Metallica's recording of their black album recording. For anyone who remembers Unforgiven or had a plutonic infatuation with Metallica (or Kirk Hammett, which might not be "plutonic" since it's Kirk Hammett), you'll enjoy this. This is how that solo was born.
In case you don't know, the guy with the long black hair is Metallica's lead guitarist, Kirk Hammett, and at the time, Guitar Player's "Guitarist of the Year"; the other guy is Metallica's producer for that album, Bob Rock. I'm sure you recognize Lars Ulrich, the blonde drummer, from the Metallica-Napster copyright debacle.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
New Music
After a looooooooooooooong hiatus, and admittedly, a lack of interest, in seeking out and purchasing new music, its been rekindled, and here's what I bought--in chronological order of purchasing.
1. Godspeed You! Black Emperor -- f# a# (infinity)
One of the progenitors of the "post-" genre, the three-song album clocks in at about 63 minutes, and the track East Hastings is featured in the "realization" scene in the film 28 Days Later.
Not for everyone, but a dark, moving piece of musical orchestration.
2. Comets on Fire -- Blue Cathedral
A brilliant car wreck of Black Sabbath and Deep Purple, this album moves seamlessly from start to finish, never letting you out of the strange creepy rock orb it puts you in.
3. Ulysses -- 010
A quality, straight-rocking, down-to-Earth, lo-fi album from a band from Kentucky. There are some standouts on this album, and the band doesn't make songs any longer than they need to be, which is hard to find.
4. Death Cab For Cutie -- Plans
Oops, yeah really. I never really dug them because they were too mainstream and I lumped them in with Modest Mouse, etc. This is a good mellow-out album that reminds me of The Shins wrapped in a blanket of a quiet Eels album.
5. Arctic Monkeys -- Whatever People Say, That's What I'm Not
Another solid London-based Brit-rock band with blues roots hits gold with this one. With the collapse of The Libertines and their spin-off, Babyshambles, frontman landing in prison, let's all hope the Arctic Monkeys can keep their shit together.
6. Muse -- Origin of Symmetry
This is their third newest album upon their recent release of the new one. I actually like it better than their last, Absolution. Moody, deep space rock with a lot of falsetto. Obvious comparisons are Radiohead, etc.
7. The Thermals -- The Body, The Blood, The Machine
The Thermals are still pissed about Bush being in office, and about losing their drummer, too, I guess. I was hoping for more out of this album, especially after two amazing and under-the-radar albums with Fuckin-A and ...More Parts Per Million. Still, there's more than enough standout tracks to justify the purchase. The lead singer's voice changed, though, it's kinda weird.
8. Jesu -- Silver
I'm actually just giving this EP it's first go. For a brood rock "band" (is one man a group? no.) the album isn't as defeating as I'd expect. It's heavy, and still horrendously introspective, so I gotta say I enjoy it thouroughly already. Now all Justin Broderick has to do is fucking tour outside of the goddamn U.K. for once.
1. Godspeed You! Black Emperor -- f# a# (infinity)
One of the progenitors of the "post-" genre, the three-song album clocks in at about 63 minutes, and the track East Hastings is featured in the "realization" scene in the film 28 Days Later.
Not for everyone, but a dark, moving piece of musical orchestration.
2. Comets on Fire -- Blue Cathedral
A brilliant car wreck of Black Sabbath and Deep Purple, this album moves seamlessly from start to finish, never letting you out of the strange creepy rock orb it puts you in.
3. Ulysses -- 010
A quality, straight-rocking, down-to-Earth, lo-fi album from a band from Kentucky. There are some standouts on this album, and the band doesn't make songs any longer than they need to be, which is hard to find.
4. Death Cab For Cutie -- Plans
Oops, yeah really. I never really dug them because they were too mainstream and I lumped them in with Modest Mouse, etc. This is a good mellow-out album that reminds me of The Shins wrapped in a blanket of a quiet Eels album.
5. Arctic Monkeys -- Whatever People Say, That's What I'm Not
Another solid London-based Brit-rock band with blues roots hits gold with this one. With the collapse of The Libertines and their spin-off, Babyshambles, frontman landing in prison, let's all hope the Arctic Monkeys can keep their shit together.
6. Muse -- Origin of Symmetry
This is their third newest album upon their recent release of the new one. I actually like it better than their last, Absolution. Moody, deep space rock with a lot of falsetto. Obvious comparisons are Radiohead, etc.
7. The Thermals -- The Body, The Blood, The Machine
The Thermals are still pissed about Bush being in office, and about losing their drummer, too, I guess. I was hoping for more out of this album, especially after two amazing and under-the-radar albums with Fuckin-A and ...More Parts Per Million. Still, there's more than enough standout tracks to justify the purchase. The lead singer's voice changed, though, it's kinda weird.
8. Jesu -- Silver
I'm actually just giving this EP it's first go. For a brood rock "band" (is one man a group? no.) the album isn't as defeating as I'd expect. It's heavy, and still horrendously introspective, so I gotta say I enjoy it thouroughly already. Now all Justin Broderick has to do is fucking tour outside of the goddamn U.K. for once.
Friday, June 16, 2006
The Walkmen Perform at 9:30 Club
I could have sworn I stood in the middle of a circle of people having a screaming contest with megaphones last night, but apparently I went to The Walkmen show at 9:30 Club in D.C.
There are two things that are initially striking about seeing this band live:
1. The lead singer is not the dark-haired moody that you picture from the albums but is a tall, blonde, Lacoste-wearing frat boy. He may as well be an SAE at Florida State.
2. They are LOUD.
The first item isn't too hard to get over, especially in comparison to discovering that the Caesars' bassist is about 60 years old. But the problem with The Walkmen live (and I've seen them twice) is that their sound is very disorganized. I like my music loud, but it seems like they fired their sound tech and turned every knob to 11.
What's great about their album tracks is that each song is carefully crafted, often very slowly building up emotional steam and growing louder and becoming unraveled as the song reaches climax. And the instruments are very well laid down, one doesn't drown out another, and it adds to the potential energy.
But this is entirely lost in the live show. There is no control of volume, nor control of vocals, and it really confuses the ear terribly. I don't think a live song should mimic the album, but this band's greatest strength is drowned in a poorly conceived stage show.
They must have played about 6 new songs, and since the album came out only 2 days earlier, few people would have a chance to hear it. We all heard them at the show, but I couldn't tell you which ones are winners because the sound was so cacaphonous.
To their credit, they delivered "The Rat," "Bows & Arrows," "Wake Up," and "Thinking of a Dream I Had" excellently, and it really got the crowd moving, including the requisite inhibitionless fist-pumping white guy with the crazy afro.
All in all, I give this show 3.0 stars out of 5.0, with Andrew W.K. being 5.0 and The Cardigans being 1.0.
There are two things that are initially striking about seeing this band live:
1. The lead singer is not the dark-haired moody that you picture from the albums but is a tall, blonde, Lacoste-wearing frat boy. He may as well be an SAE at Florida State.
2. They are LOUD.
The first item isn't too hard to get over, especially in comparison to discovering that the Caesars' bassist is about 60 years old. But the problem with The Walkmen live (and I've seen them twice) is that their sound is very disorganized. I like my music loud, but it seems like they fired their sound tech and turned every knob to 11.
What's great about their album tracks is that each song is carefully crafted, often very slowly building up emotional steam and growing louder and becoming unraveled as the song reaches climax. And the instruments are very well laid down, one doesn't drown out another, and it adds to the potential energy.
But this is entirely lost in the live show. There is no control of volume, nor control of vocals, and it really confuses the ear terribly. I don't think a live song should mimic the album, but this band's greatest strength is drowned in a poorly conceived stage show.
They must have played about 6 new songs, and since the album came out only 2 days earlier, few people would have a chance to hear it. We all heard them at the show, but I couldn't tell you which ones are winners because the sound was so cacaphonous.
To their credit, they delivered "The Rat," "Bows & Arrows," "Wake Up," and "Thinking of a Dream I Had" excellently, and it really got the crowd moving, including the requisite inhibitionless fist-pumping white guy with the crazy afro.
All in all, I give this show 3.0 stars out of 5.0, with Andrew W.K. being 5.0 and The Cardigans being 1.0.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Ask Andrew W.K. ...
I've been a fan of Andrew W.K. for a few years now, and one thing that's inspired me about him is his ability to boil life down to a few guitar solos, keyboard arpeggios, and party lyrics. So, I thought I'd put his divine insight to the test to answer some common, and not-so-common, questions that have plagued mankind since the dawn of human history.
Q: "Why is the sky blue?"
Awk: "Cos we're gonna have a FUN NIGHT! FUN NIGHT! FUN NIGHT! FUN NIGHT! Gonna get off! Gonna get off! Gonna get off! Gonna get off!"[From "Fun Night" off of I Get Wet]
Q: "Where is the Adriatic Sea?"
Awk: "I can't explain it anymore / I'm not too young to know for sure. You get me, I get you, we get us."
[From "Really in Love" off of The Wolf]
Q: "Can you actually recharge non-rechargeable batteries or what?"Awk: "You're not my mom and dad / And even they watch their backs; Cause they know what I hate; Any rules that I can't break."[From "Your Rules" off of The Wolf]
Q: "How can I get from 19th & Q to the Target?"
Awk: "You won't know and we won't fucking go / We just keep on living. We always get what we want; We still get what we want 'cos we're never gonna stop (no we won't stop)."[From "Fun Night" off of I Get Wet]Q: "My sister Tesla is dating a guy who is 15 years older than him. Is this weird or should I stop being so protective?"Awk: "The girl's too young / She don't need any better. It's all coming back / I can feel it. She is beautiful / She is beautiful / She is beautiful / She is beautiful. The girl is beautiful."[From "She is Beautiful" off of I Get Wet]
Q: "Is pepperoni or sausage better on pizza?"Awk: "This is why we are alive / We all live like we are going to die. We are here, We are high / And this is why we love to live our lives"[From "Victory Strikes Again" off of The Wolf]
Q: "Would the benefits of narcotics legalization outweigh the detriment?"Awk: "I Get Wet when the party is dying. I Get Wet without even trying. I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet / I Get Wet whenever you trying / I Get Wet when I know that you're dying / I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet."[From "I Get Wet" off of I Get Wet]
Q: "What's your problem, jackass?" Awk: "We do what we like and we like what we do. So let's get a party going (let's get a party going) / Now it's time to party and we'll party hard (party hard) / Let's get a party going (let's get a party going) / When it's time to party we will always party hard / Party hard (party hard, party hard, party hard party hard, party hard, party hard party hard, party hard, party hard...) ."[From "Party Hard" off of I Get Wet]
I've been a fan of Andrew W.K. for a few years now, and one thing that's inspired me about him is his ability to boil life down to a few guitar solos, keyboard arpeggios, and party lyrics. So, I thought I'd put his divine insight to the test to answer some common, and not-so-common, questions that have plagued mankind since the dawn of human history.
Q: "Why is the sky blue?"
Awk: "Cos we're gonna have a FUN NIGHT! FUN NIGHT! FUN NIGHT! FUN NIGHT! Gonna get off! Gonna get off! Gonna get off! Gonna get off!"[From "Fun Night" off of I Get Wet]
Q: "Where is the Adriatic Sea?"
Awk: "I can't explain it anymore / I'm not too young to know for sure. You get me, I get you, we get us."
[From "Really in Love" off of The Wolf]
Q: "Can you actually recharge non-rechargeable batteries or what?"Awk: "You're not my mom and dad / And even they watch their backs; Cause they know what I hate; Any rules that I can't break."[From "Your Rules" off of The Wolf]
Q: "How can I get from 19th & Q to the Target?"
Awk: "You won't know and we won't fucking go / We just keep on living. We always get what we want; We still get what we want 'cos we're never gonna stop (no we won't stop)."[From "Fun Night" off of I Get Wet]Q: "My sister Tesla is dating a guy who is 15 years older than him. Is this weird or should I stop being so protective?"Awk: "The girl's too young / She don't need any better. It's all coming back / I can feel it. She is beautiful / She is beautiful / She is beautiful / She is beautiful. The girl is beautiful."[From "She is Beautiful" off of I Get Wet]
Q: "Is pepperoni or sausage better on pizza?"Awk: "This is why we are alive / We all live like we are going to die. We are here, We are high / And this is why we love to live our lives"[From "Victory Strikes Again" off of The Wolf]
Q: "Would the benefits of narcotics legalization outweigh the detriment?"Awk: "I Get Wet when the party is dying. I Get Wet without even trying. I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet / I Get Wet whenever you trying / I Get Wet when I know that you're dying / I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet I Get Wet."[From "I Get Wet" off of I Get Wet]
Q: "What's your problem, jackass?" Awk: "We do what we like and we like what we do. So let's get a party going (let's get a party going) / Now it's time to party and we'll party hard (party hard) / Let's get a party going (let's get a party going) / When it's time to party we will always party hard / Party hard (party hard, party hard, party hard party hard, party hard, party hard party hard, party hard, party hard...) ."[From "Party Hard" off of I Get Wet]
Thursday, February 09, 2006
A Crash Course in Indie Music
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - “The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth”
If you haven’t heard about these guys, you had better put on your fleet feet and sprint to catch up to the fucking wagon. If you were a big fan of The Talking Heads, well, you’d better do the same. This band is going to fucking explode, probably the biggest underground buzz I’ve seen since Interpol, and they’re MUCH peppier; I even threw away all my razor blades. If this song doesn’t get your head nodding and your foot tapping, you’re probably just plain deaf. A dead-on driving drum beat, simple and clean rhythm guitar work, and insidious whining vocals bring this song together into a fantastic orgy of positivity. If you needed any further proof, the NBC show “The Office” featured a party scene in which this song was in the background.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/clapyourhandssayyeah
Dreamend - "Slide Song" and “The Old House & Its Occupants”
This misty, grave-faced band from Chicago blew me away when I first heard "Slide Song" and “the Old House & Its Occupants.” I felt like I had just walked into a ghost jazz club and when the songs ended all the ghosts would hold me down and suck out my soul. Fortunately, this treat doesn’t stop with these songs. The above tracks only serves as a vocal break between tremendous movements of violently contrasting drum work that slaps and hammers your wandering imagination to follow the plunky lead guitar as it spirals its way down into the deep echoing guitarwork. The album, “…as if by ghosts,” easily wins one of my Best of 2005 awards for being a terribly intense concept album. You might be tempted to classify it in the “post-[rock]” category, but I think the band members would hang me and offer my soul to Satan if I did that. Dark Side of the Moon is nuts and gum compared to this.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/dreamend
Emperor X - “Garbage Shaft Floor-by-floor”
Smart-rock combined with punk; there’s nothing like it that you’ve ever heard. The gritty garage sound of this track combined with the incredible (yet odd) lyrical flow and off-beat drumming create one of the most rocking underground songs I’ve heard in my life. If you need to win a broomball championship game at 2am, or a kickball flipcup competition, this is the song you listen to beforehand.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/emperorxxxxx
[you can find the song on the band's website]
Giant Drag - “This Isn’t It”
Did someone say Barracuda? No, this isn’t Joan Jett, but this chick rocks just as hard and just beat up Ms. Jett in the parking lot. Don’t be fooled by the simple guitar work or harmonious lyrics (she is a woman after all), these lyrics sink deep and tell a bitter tale of love gone horribly wrong. She is not gonna take any shit, and she wrote a cool song to tell the world about it, so listen to it or else you’re next.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/giantdrag
Irving - “I Can’t Fall In Love”
Irving. Who? Never heard of ‘em. Damn right. Here’s a one-hit wonder waiting to happen, but regardless, this song is catchy as all hell. It truly reminds me of a mid-90’s I can’t put my finger on, but somehow sounds like a tribute to that song which I can’t think of. You won’t be disappointed.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/irving
Jesu - “We All Faulter”
So much cheer thus far, let’s make room for some brood metal. What’s brood metal? It’s long-winded, self-indulgent, muted guitarwork dripping with distortion and doomsday vocals. From the mind behind “Godflesh,” Jesu (I suppose Jesus is redundant since Jesu already has an “s”) tears into your soul and eats it instantaneously. Then it vomits a new one for you and makes you eat it. You’re meek, you’re small, you’re hopeless, you should’ve died when you were born. Welcome to Jesu and the horrific introspection that he inspires. Make sure you cue a ramp-up song after this one, or grab the razor blades you threw away after ditching your Interpol albums a few days ago.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/jesujesu
Books on Tape - “Grey Matters”
It’s often subliminally understood within indie rock pretentia that electronic and sample rock/dance went out about 5 years ago when Moby hit it big, and again when Fatboy Slim paid Christopher Walken to dance to a track off of “Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars.” Well, this “band” (actually a single person) is about to show you that there’s plenty of dark energy left in the flagging electronic scene. Throughout Books On Tape’s individual tracks, you’ll be passed from sinister synth rhythms to hollow beats until you finally reach the precipice from where you’re dropped headfirst onto rock-hard bass. It’s as if the Beastie Boys teamed up with the Crystal Method to beat the shit out of Fatboy Slim, and everyone took a shitload of whipits and red bull in the fray. Enjoy.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/booksontape
British Sea Power - “Carrion”
If you can’t make it past BSP’s seemingly homoerotic opener “Men Together Today,” you’re going to miss several gems, including the standout track “Carrion.” I mean holy shit does this band know how to cut through the muck surrounding catchy indie rock. The New Pornographers could take a lyrical (not to mention a wardrobe) lesson from this crew of Londoners. Not nearly as forced as a Decemberists whaler’s chanty, BSP manages to create a simple, catchy melody backed by throaty and peculiar vocals that really gives you the sensation of being shipwrecked on a beach in the 17th century…with a rock band. “Carrion” only makes you want to listen to the rest of the oddly naval album. Check out tracks “Favours in the Beetroot Fields” and the Gregory Maguire’s Oz-inspired “Something Wicked” as a follow up.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/britishseapower
The Magnetic Fields - “I Wish I Had An Evil Twin”
Somewhere between a Weird Al song and the Crash Test Dummies, The MagFields fantasize about everything their conscience wouldn’t allow in “I Wish I had An Evil Twin.” One of the most “curious” bands around, and who performs entirely drum-free shows (which are rudely interrupted by high-fives sometimes…), decided to toe the folk rock line with their album “i.” On “i,” every song begins with an…”i.” Wee! Either way, this song is pretty cool, and it’ll get a few smiles in social situations that could eventually lead to gay sex. This brings me to another point. Folk is coming back, no matter how you classify it. Decemberists, MagFields,…. All folk. You’ll see. Like MTV News, you heard it here. First.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/themagneticfields
Mixel Pixel - “At The Arcade”
Ever wish you grew up in Bikini Valley, CA? Well, now you can revisit that bizarre fantasy I just had. Mixel Pixel writes a whiny, irreverent homage to teenage life in the Valley with “At the Arcade,” and one to just how random and superficial it is, but viewed from within a 15-year old arcade fan’s mind, tinting the whole sordid affair so that it’s not only forgivable, but humorous, and more intelligible than this run-on sentence.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/mixelpixel
Okkervil River - “Black”
Counting Crows meet The Wallflowers. This Jersey (seriously) band hits the bullseye with this track, not to mention the album. There hasn’t been an acoustically patient band this talented and focused since, well, ever? This track in particular unfurls a blood-boiling tale of abuse and jealously which will easily resonate with any male. If you don’t check out this free tune, you’ve done yourself a serious disservice.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/okkervilriver
Rogue Wave - "Endless Shovel"
You are a fool if you can’t dig this song. Psych-pop rock genius Zack Rogue (who legally changed his last name to “Rogue”) lays down unbelievably tuney (a new word!) rhythms and harmonies in this lyrically indecipherable track. The entire album culminates to this eventual release of psychokinetic refrain, and it still somehow leaves you wanting to hear it over and over again. No amount of description can do it justice. Another crystal example of a passionate song becoming unwound and ending as if you swore you wrote it in the first place.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/roguewave
Say Hi To Your Mom - “22nd Century”
See ya Weezer. This solo New York musician who lives with his mom (still) enjoys writing fuzzy guitar rhythms while singing warm vocals about robots, spaceships, and teenage romance promises over them. There’s nothing you won’t miss about everything else on your ipod while you’re listening to SHTYM. The ignorant youthful expectations and promises just make you want to build your own time machine and travel back to 5th grade (to invest in Google…sigh). Fuck yeah, it’s about time.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/sayhitoyourmom
[you can find the song on the band's website, too]
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - “The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth”
If you haven’t heard about these guys, you had better put on your fleet feet and sprint to catch up to the fucking wagon. If you were a big fan of The Talking Heads, well, you’d better do the same. This band is going to fucking explode, probably the biggest underground buzz I’ve seen since Interpol, and they’re MUCH peppier; I even threw away all my razor blades. If this song doesn’t get your head nodding and your foot tapping, you’re probably just plain deaf. A dead-on driving drum beat, simple and clean rhythm guitar work, and insidious whining vocals bring this song together into a fantastic orgy of positivity. If you needed any further proof, the NBC show “The Office” featured a party scene in which this song was in the background.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/clapyourhandssayyeah
Dreamend - "Slide Song" and “The Old House & Its Occupants”
This misty, grave-faced band from Chicago blew me away when I first heard "Slide Song" and “the Old House & Its Occupants.” I felt like I had just walked into a ghost jazz club and when the songs ended all the ghosts would hold me down and suck out my soul. Fortunately, this treat doesn’t stop with these songs. The above tracks only serves as a vocal break between tremendous movements of violently contrasting drum work that slaps and hammers your wandering imagination to follow the plunky lead guitar as it spirals its way down into the deep echoing guitarwork. The album, “…as if by ghosts,” easily wins one of my Best of 2005 awards for being a terribly intense concept album. You might be tempted to classify it in the “post-[rock]” category, but I think the band members would hang me and offer my soul to Satan if I did that. Dark Side of the Moon is nuts and gum compared to this.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/dreamend
Emperor X - “Garbage Shaft Floor-by-floor”
Smart-rock combined with punk; there’s nothing like it that you’ve ever heard. The gritty garage sound of this track combined with the incredible (yet odd) lyrical flow and off-beat drumming create one of the most rocking underground songs I’ve heard in my life. If you need to win a broomball championship game at 2am, or a kickball flipcup competition, this is the song you listen to beforehand.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/emperorxxxxx
[you can find the song on the band's website]
Giant Drag - “This Isn’t It”
Did someone say Barracuda? No, this isn’t Joan Jett, but this chick rocks just as hard and just beat up Ms. Jett in the parking lot. Don’t be fooled by the simple guitar work or harmonious lyrics (she is a woman after all), these lyrics sink deep and tell a bitter tale of love gone horribly wrong. She is not gonna take any shit, and she wrote a cool song to tell the world about it, so listen to it or else you’re next.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/giantdrag
Irving - “I Can’t Fall In Love”
Irving. Who? Never heard of ‘em. Damn right. Here’s a one-hit wonder waiting to happen, but regardless, this song is catchy as all hell. It truly reminds me of a mid-90’s I can’t put my finger on, but somehow sounds like a tribute to that song which I can’t think of. You won’t be disappointed.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/irving
Jesu - “We All Faulter”
So much cheer thus far, let’s make room for some brood metal. What’s brood metal? It’s long-winded, self-indulgent, muted guitarwork dripping with distortion and doomsday vocals. From the mind behind “Godflesh,” Jesu (I suppose Jesus is redundant since Jesu already has an “s”) tears into your soul and eats it instantaneously. Then it vomits a new one for you and makes you eat it. You’re meek, you’re small, you’re hopeless, you should’ve died when you were born. Welcome to Jesu and the horrific introspection that he inspires. Make sure you cue a ramp-up song after this one, or grab the razor blades you threw away after ditching your Interpol albums a few days ago.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/jesujesu
Books on Tape - “Grey Matters”
It’s often subliminally understood within indie rock pretentia that electronic and sample rock/dance went out about 5 years ago when Moby hit it big, and again when Fatboy Slim paid Christopher Walken to dance to a track off of “Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars.” Well, this “band” (actually a single person) is about to show you that there’s plenty of dark energy left in the flagging electronic scene. Throughout Books On Tape’s individual tracks, you’ll be passed from sinister synth rhythms to hollow beats until you finally reach the precipice from where you’re dropped headfirst onto rock-hard bass. It’s as if the Beastie Boys teamed up with the Crystal Method to beat the shit out of Fatboy Slim, and everyone took a shitload of whipits and red bull in the fray. Enjoy.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/booksontape
British Sea Power - “Carrion”
If you can’t make it past BSP’s seemingly homoerotic opener “Men Together Today,” you’re going to miss several gems, including the standout track “Carrion.” I mean holy shit does this band know how to cut through the muck surrounding catchy indie rock. The New Pornographers could take a lyrical (not to mention a wardrobe) lesson from this crew of Londoners. Not nearly as forced as a Decemberists whaler’s chanty, BSP manages to create a simple, catchy melody backed by throaty and peculiar vocals that really gives you the sensation of being shipwrecked on a beach in the 17th century…with a rock band. “Carrion” only makes you want to listen to the rest of the oddly naval album. Check out tracks “Favours in the Beetroot Fields” and the Gregory Maguire’s Oz-inspired “Something Wicked” as a follow up.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/britishseapower
The Magnetic Fields - “I Wish I Had An Evil Twin”
Somewhere between a Weird Al song and the Crash Test Dummies, The MagFields fantasize about everything their conscience wouldn’t allow in “I Wish I had An Evil Twin.” One of the most “curious” bands around, and who performs entirely drum-free shows (which are rudely interrupted by high-fives sometimes…), decided to toe the folk rock line with their album “i.” On “i,” every song begins with an…”i.” Wee! Either way, this song is pretty cool, and it’ll get a few smiles in social situations that could eventually lead to gay sex. This brings me to another point. Folk is coming back, no matter how you classify it. Decemberists, MagFields,…. All folk. You’ll see. Like MTV News, you heard it here. First.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/themagneticfields
Mixel Pixel - “At The Arcade”
Ever wish you grew up in Bikini Valley, CA? Well, now you can revisit that bizarre fantasy I just had. Mixel Pixel writes a whiny, irreverent homage to teenage life in the Valley with “At the Arcade,” and one to just how random and superficial it is, but viewed from within a 15-year old arcade fan’s mind, tinting the whole sordid affair so that it’s not only forgivable, but humorous, and more intelligible than this run-on sentence.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/mixelpixel
Okkervil River - “Black”
Counting Crows meet The Wallflowers. This Jersey (seriously) band hits the bullseye with this track, not to mention the album. There hasn’t been an acoustically patient band this talented and focused since, well, ever? This track in particular unfurls a blood-boiling tale of abuse and jealously which will easily resonate with any male. If you don’t check out this free tune, you’ve done yourself a serious disservice.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/okkervilriver
Rogue Wave - "Endless Shovel"
You are a fool if you can’t dig this song. Psych-pop rock genius Zack Rogue (who legally changed his last name to “Rogue”) lays down unbelievably tuney (a new word!) rhythms and harmonies in this lyrically indecipherable track. The entire album culminates to this eventual release of psychokinetic refrain, and it still somehow leaves you wanting to hear it over and over again. No amount of description can do it justice. Another crystal example of a passionate song becoming unwound and ending as if you swore you wrote it in the first place.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/roguewave
Say Hi To Your Mom - “22nd Century”
See ya Weezer. This solo New York musician who lives with his mom (still) enjoys writing fuzzy guitar rhythms while singing warm vocals about robots, spaceships, and teenage romance promises over them. There’s nothing you won’t miss about everything else on your ipod while you’re listening to SHTYM. The ignorant youthful expectations and promises just make you want to build your own time machine and travel back to 5th grade (to invest in Google…sigh). Fuck yeah, it’s about time.
songs... http://www.myspace.com/sayhitoyourmom
[you can find the song on the band's website, too]
SONGS THAT FILLED ME WITH ABJECT RAGE
Some songs are so stupid, so cheesy, or just so fucking bad that the time it takes between hearing the first note and my hand hitting a button to turn it off defies medical explanation as a reflex. This isn’t VH1, this isn’t a countdown, it’s a random list of songs I hate, and therefore also songs that YOU hate, because you don’t have any power of choice when you’re reading my flawless logic; but since what I say is fact, it’s not technically logic because logic is needed to prove things that aren’t obviously true.
There is something about each of these songs that just drove me to immediate insanity when I heard them on the radio. And that means that these songs were actually popular, and people liked them. In fact, people I knew liked these songs, and they will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.In no particular order, and with no mellow, irreverent mid-30’s narrator, and no annoying washed-up Jenny McCarthy to make ugly faces instead of baring her breasts, let’s do this:
Alien Ant Farm, Smooth Criminal.
Ok, big start. I saw the video for this before I heard the song, which in the 90’s was usually a really bad sign. Also, this “band”‘s first hit was a cover song, of Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson also sucks, I don’t care what you say, Michael Jackson sucks, he just plain sucks. He’s not a good musician, and I’m not going to admit he’s “at least good at producing, man.” No, he’s terrible. He’s also not a great dancer; he’s a great body manipulator, but that’s it.
Back to “AAF” (which is what this glop of white boys wrote on their drumheads and t-shirts in the video). Scene: AAF sitting around the guitarist’s mom’s house one day. “Hey, since we can’t write our own songs, let’s just take someone else’s and make it different in someway!” “Great idea, but whose song!?” “Who’s the most popular pop star of all-time?” “Peter, Paul, & Mary?” “No, besides them.” “Michael Jackson?” “YES!!!” “Now which song?” “Who cares, it’ll be novel! Remember when Marilyn Manson covered Sweet Dreams? It’ll be like 10,000 times more popular because MJ is more popular!” Band together: “COOL!” So began the story of AAF. A few months later their video (which included a number of fisheye band-bending-over-to-camera-on-ground shots) appears on MTV 40 times a day, at which point they begin talking about their next song on TRL, then their jet crashes into a mountain for all intents and purposes and nobody hears of them again.
If you check their website (yep, they’re still around, unfortunately), you’ll see they’re booked solid for one whole show in Ferrum, VA. Ferrum (after mapping it) is a quick 6 hour drive southwest from DC, 3.5 hours west from Richmond, and 2 hours north of Greenboro, NC. In fact, it may as well be on Jupiter, because nobody has ever heard of it. Fuck Alien Ant Farm, fuck AAF, they got what they deserved.
Creed, With Arms Wide Open
Ok, here’s a tricky one. Creed’s first popular album entitled “I’m Not Yet Jesus-Enough” was pretty rocking. It offered a good selection of hard rock songs, moaning vocals, and a fresh sound (which, in retrospect, was a grim portent to the following years in popular music). Lead man Scott Scabies admitted they were a Christian rock band, which everyone seemed alright with as long as it was veiled in badass lyrics like “Demons cluttering around / My face showing no emotion / Shackled by my sentence / Expecting no return / Here there is no penance / My skin begins to burn.” But then they made a second album. At first, the single, “With Arms Wide Open” was tolerable, as it stayed put on the radio.
Then came the video. Holy shit was that a self-indulgent piece of A/V Christ-promoting bullshit. I know EXACTLY what lead man Scabies thought, too. [to himself] “Hey…now that we’re popular…I can use the band’s influence to gather all the lost sheep to the herd, His herd. I owe it to myself, and to them, my fans, who aren’t Christian or otherwise non-practicing.” So Scott grew his hair down to his shoulder blades and created a video which included about 400 different versions of Christ-imagery, including Scott handing a piece of chocolate birthday cake to Jesus in a Nazareth Chucky Cheezes scene. Also, the video exposed just how hokey and trite the music was. That’s it for this one, it doesn’t deserve any further explanation.
Sugar Ray, Fly
Ughhhh….we’re in the dredges now. Sugar Ray’s first album was actually pretty good, but the only people who listened to it were those who received it for Christmas from hip uncles who thought their nieces and nephews liked ‘that new radio song’ “Fly.” So began the invasion of “Fly” (not The Flys, “Got You Where I Want You,” which was kinda cool). I believe this was one of McG’s first music videos. McG is a small asian man who likes bright colors, goofy objects, and shit-eating grins in videos. I think he’s related to Joel Schumacher. The video featured a sexed-up Mark McGrath sidestepping around a rotating apartment with bright pink, bright green, and bright orange furnishings, wallpaper, etc. I think even the sky was fuscia. Mark sang about wanting to ‘fly,’ an unobvious simile to fucking in this case, while a homeless black man rapped unintelligibly in the background about something.
What’s even worse is that this reggae-influenced song was almost left off the album entirely since it didn’t fit in any way with the rest of it, which are all punk rock songs. But, their producer, who was also sucking Michael Eisner’s penis for permission to put Sugar Ray’s new ditty on Disney’s shadowy sister’s, MTV, TRL. Yes that’s right teenagers! Disney owns MTV! Maybe it’s not so controversial and in fact may be the most heavily censored channel aside from the Disney Channel! Fuck you. Point is, this song sucks, and so do you if you ever said “I just want to fly” and chuckled when Mark McGrath made a snide remark during MTV Spring Break model competitions.
Barenaked Ladies, One Week
That’s right, this group of Canadian socialists sucks. Many people love them, and people I've known very well for a long time still love them. It’s like taking the Chinatown bus to New York, or catching your little brother touching the cat inappropriately - it’s awkward to acknowledge and difficult to understand and accept, but probably necessary. ‘One Week’ sets the stage for crappy overplayed radio fungasms in the same vein as Harvey Danger’s “Flag Pole” and Bloodhound Gang’s “Fire Water Burn [aka. the roof is on fire].” When I used to say, “this band blows,” inexorably some quiet thick-rimmed glasses-wearing jackass would start up with, “but the other songs on the album are REALLY good and some are SO deep.” Really? Let’s find out.
Actual lyrics from:
‘One Week’: You’ll think you’re looking at aquaman / I summon fish to the dish, although I like the chalet swiss / I like the sushi ’cause it’s never touched a frying pan / Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes.
‘Long Way Back Home’: I have to go / I already know / Why not spend a week on a star / No time, he can’t get there by car
'Leave’: I’ve informed you to leave / ’cause I can’t afford to lose more sleep / I get ill when I get tired / So I’ll try to rest if you’ll stand guard / Do do do do do do do do whoa / Do do do do do do do [very clever rhyming pattern, is that iambic pentameter?]
‘Told You So’: A viral infection that can incubate for years / Caused by affection fallen deep into arrears / No medication to procure / Makes me pure, there’s no cure, I am sureOkay, that’s enough for me.
These lyrics are obviously something I wrote in 8th grade with a 12th grade thesaurus. With the exception of Our Lady Peace, Wolf Parade, and a select few, Canadian bands don’t grasp the realities of life below the 112th parallel. They write songs about Santa and bells.
Goldfinger, Here in Your Bedroom
Sometimes there’s a song you initially like, but have a distinct distasteful feeling in the back of your throat that you just can’t figure out. And, as you listen more and more to the song, it becomes more obvious: it’s just a stupid song. This is a good case-in-point. And with lyrics like, “you may change but I still stay the same,” or some variation…look, if you’re going to say anything about change being hard and actually using the word “change,” you may as well turn in your mic.
Smashmouth, All-Star
(silence). Ok, well… (silence). So… (silence). I…(silence). There’s not much to say about this one. Many theses have been written on how Smash Mouth contributed to the collapse of modern society. McG is largely responsible (the little asian guy who directed Sugar Ray's 'Fly'). My roommate sophomore year (Nate) and I once counted how many kneel-down two-fingered across-the-screen swipes the lead singer takes at the camera during this song’s video, I remember it was something in the realm of 25.
Rumor has it the band stole those stupid looking ATVs from the set, too, thinking that their sudden celebrity status afforded them the right to theft. Joke’s on them, because nobody cares about Smashmouth anymore at all, and in fact President Bush’s first State of the Union address called for the ‘full, swift, and decisive removal of all copies of Smashmouth’s sophomore outing, “Astro Lounge,” from the public’s possession, and for those albums to be loaded onto the space shuttle and shot into the Sun.” Unfortunately, this is one of the few things Bush did right, even though it inevitably failed when the shuttle exploded and littered southeast Asia with copies of this shitfest. Intelligence sources believe Kim Jong Il of N. Korea has been using the full track list of Astro Lounge to come up with a song so bad it will make the West surrender before a shot is fired.
I should also note that while searching for the album’s title, Amazon.com added this important tidbit; it should not be overlooked:
“Customers who bought this album also bought:
14:59 ~ Sugar Ray
Sugar Ray ~ Sugar Ray
Floored ~ Sugar Ray"
…Holy cow, I’m good at this.
Nickelback, How You Remind Me, from their freshman album ‘Silver Side Up’
Oh man how I wish I had a Delorean. I included the album title to make a point. The band’s name is “Nickelback.” Their album is “Silver Side Up.” Now let’s make some assumptions. Nickelback is aware of their name’s derivation being “nickel” and “back,” thus the back of a nickel. They know that nickels are silver, at least in color, not in composition [nickels are made of…nickel, atomic element no. 28]. Nickels are silver-colored on both sides. Ok. Now let’s check out the title again, “Silver Side Up.” Oh ok, this could be some intended play on words. But none really make sense. My guess is that Nickelback was trying to be tricky and playful by suggesting that no matter what, their band would always be popular, or at least will have a great prominence, logically based on their choice of band name.
Anyway, “How You Remind Me” was terrible, and not at all different from Seven Mary Three’s "Cumbersome,” whose lead guitarist and vocalist had been playing guitar for only 2 years when the album dropped. Also, the lead singer of Nickelback is named Chad, which is a dick name.
Some underperforming Chad’s from over the years:
Chad Henne, UMich quarterback;
Chad (neighbor), unassuming jackass;
Chad (northeast African country), a desert-covered battle-ridden wasteland.
That’s perfect logic ladies and gentlemen.
Blind Melon, No Rain
If you couldn’t tell from the video, this band had no idea what the hell it was about. Everyone praised this group of drugged-up hippies for their mold-breaking bumblebee girl music video and acoustic love rock album, even though nobody knew what the hell they meant with either. Lesson 1: hippies do not have sufficient attention-span to create music or video understandable whilst sober. Lesson 2: hippie bands who spring up in the middle of a decade of decadent heroin use will suffer the same fate as their hard rock counterparts. Lesson 3: Blind Melon sucked.
I’m sorry that the lead singer died, that does blow, since no band no matter how bad deserves that kind of thing [except true bastards like Rick James and Frank Sinatra], and I also kind of liked their rocking follow-up on the next album “Galaxy.” Unfortunately, singer Rachel or whatever (he had a girl’s name) didn’t listen to or watch the video for “Galaxy,” which fiercely warned of the danger of needle-drug use, and he died less than a year later from a heroin overdose. Nevertheless, "No Rain” washed away as quickly as it came and nobody thought of it until this article was featured on CNN two weeks from now.
The Cardigans, Love Fool
I had to suffer through an hour-long set of this flaky fairy-rock band before seeing Better Than Ezra about 4 years ago. What a lackluster bunch of crap that was. The lead singer seemed like she was about to fall asleep at any moment, and the guitarist performed most of his set by satellite sitting on a couch in his home in Malmo, Sweden. The drummer simply didn’t show up because he took too many quaaludes. Love Fool ended up in exactly seven Meg Ryan movies in 1999, and then they disappeared due to an act of God. They had a lot of trouble claiming damages on their insurance policy because of it.
Meredith Brooks, Bitch
She’s a bitch, and she wants everyone to know about it. A weary end to the short-lived and clunking girl rock fad.
OMC, How Bizarre
In Junior year of high school, a group of us guys went down the beach with some girls we know, some of whom were our girlfriends. The dudes in the hotel room below us were a year older and far stupider, but far brighter when it came to keeping our girls entertained. They played OMC’s ‘How Bizarre’ incessantly for 4 days straight and managed to lure most of our girls (except the fat and ugly ones, smartly) downstairs to their place to listen to this awful song on repeat. No other song on that CD was ever played. I can’t imagine why.
The fact that 16 year-old high school girls wooed over this song is evidence enough that it is awful, but I’ll supply some further evidence if you’d like. This is OMC’s only album. It would be an obvious move to create another album after capitalizing on such a simple song as “How Bizarre,” so why did OMC not do so? Perhaps because the band featured a New Zealand-born middle-class Los Angeles resident pretending to be a Mexican gangster from El Barrio? Couldn’t be.
The Verve Pipe, Freshman
The main reason to include this song/band is because it confused a generation of music listeners between “the good Verve” and “the bad Verve.” The Verve Pipe is “the bad Verve,” The Verve is “the good Verve.”
The Verve Pipe is a band from west-central Michigan who now resides where they came from. The Verve is an English band rooted in classic-rock who wrote the song “Bittersweet Symphony” and who broke up not long after they became big because the Rolling Stones were greedy assholes. The Verve Pipe wrote a song about being Freshman and being in love, etc., so highschoolers everyone were required under curricula to adhere to its popularity. Even though the song is actually about a teenage girl who has an abortion without the consent of the father and then kills herself with sleeping pills out of guilt, youngsters everywhere took it upon themselves to dilute and translate it into their inane and carefree lives. "The Freshman" then became prom songs, senior graduation themes, and Freddie Prince Jr. emotional epiphany moments. Probably played on the radio more times than it’s rained in London, I got pretty sick of this misinterpreted and poorly written sob song.
It should be noted that The Verve Pipe’s 1993 effort was entitled “Pop Smear,” and that their current website is selling a seemingly bootleg compilation CD of similarly shitty and forgettable songs which I actually forgot to include. Thanks to the 40-year old members of The Verve Pipe for the unintentional assistance!
1. John Mayer - "My Stupid Mouth"
2. Tabitha's Secret (Matchbox 20) - "3 AM"
3. Better Than Ezra - "Good"* (exception)
4. Five For Fighting - "Easy Tonight"
5. Shannon Worrell - "Eleanor"
6. Vertical Horizon - "Man Who Would Be Santa"
7. Train - "Meet Virginia"
8. The Gufs - "Give Back Yourself"
9. The Verve Pipe - "Spoonful of Sugar"
10. Shawn Mullins - "Lullaby"
11. Guster - "Window"
12. Hootie & The Blowfish - "Old Man & Me"
13. Cary Pierce - "Vineyard"
14. Edwin McCain - "Solitude
New Radicals, You Get What You Give
The big finish! These guys were somewhere between inverse Oreo’s and dorks. I mean, they tried really really hard to seem badass in their video and touch up their image, but you could see right through this talentless ragtag gaggle of Midwestern dopes. I just know that the guitarist wore anime t-shirts and a trenchcoat when they weren’t on camera. The lead singer (even on camera) wore white sneakers, black bellbottoms, and a deep v-necked, black, long-sleeve shirt, reminiscent of Zorro. To top it off, literally, he wore a floppy tan beach hat. Like, what the mother of fuck? And to boot, the song’s video featured them frolicking around a closed mall pretending to rough up the place.
I think they might have knocked a few leaves off of the fake plastic trees, at most. Their hearts just weren’t in it. I imagine that the song itself was some reflective message on the reciprocity of one’s deeds in life, and intended to inspire a youthful generation to follow in their fashionable example. Of course, the members were about 18 years old when they wrote this song, so perhaps they found out later that getting what you give also applies to writing albums and were thus doomed to one-hit wonderhood. But then again, their downfall may also be due to this perturbative event in June of 1999: (clipped from an unofficial Angelfire New Radicals fan site, the last trace of their existence apparently) “It has just been announced that Gregg Alexander (lead singer) has reportedly locked himself in a basement and canceled all tour dates.”
Some songs are so stupid, so cheesy, or just so fucking bad that the time it takes between hearing the first note and my hand hitting a button to turn it off defies medical explanation as a reflex. This isn’t VH1, this isn’t a countdown, it’s a random list of songs I hate, and therefore also songs that YOU hate, because you don’t have any power of choice when you’re reading my flawless logic; but since what I say is fact, it’s not technically logic because logic is needed to prove things that aren’t obviously true.
There is something about each of these songs that just drove me to immediate insanity when I heard them on the radio. And that means that these songs were actually popular, and people liked them. In fact, people I knew liked these songs, and they will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.In no particular order, and with no mellow, irreverent mid-30’s narrator, and no annoying washed-up Jenny McCarthy to make ugly faces instead of baring her breasts, let’s do this:
Alien Ant Farm, Smooth Criminal.
Ok, big start. I saw the video for this before I heard the song, which in the 90’s was usually a really bad sign. Also, this “band”‘s first hit was a cover song, of Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson also sucks, I don’t care what you say, Michael Jackson sucks, he just plain sucks. He’s not a good musician, and I’m not going to admit he’s “at least good at producing, man.” No, he’s terrible. He’s also not a great dancer; he’s a great body manipulator, but that’s it.
Back to “AAF” (which is what this glop of white boys wrote on their drumheads and t-shirts in the video). Scene: AAF sitting around the guitarist’s mom’s house one day. “Hey, since we can’t write our own songs, let’s just take someone else’s and make it different in someway!” “Great idea, but whose song!?” “Who’s the most popular pop star of all-time?” “Peter, Paul, & Mary?” “No, besides them.” “Michael Jackson?” “YES!!!” “Now which song?” “Who cares, it’ll be novel! Remember when Marilyn Manson covered Sweet Dreams? It’ll be like 10,000 times more popular because MJ is more popular!” Band together: “COOL!” So began the story of AAF. A few months later their video (which included a number of fisheye band-bending-over-to-camera-on-ground shots) appears on MTV 40 times a day, at which point they begin talking about their next song on TRL, then their jet crashes into a mountain for all intents and purposes and nobody hears of them again.
If you check their website (yep, they’re still around, unfortunately), you’ll see they’re booked solid for one whole show in Ferrum, VA. Ferrum (after mapping it) is a quick 6 hour drive southwest from DC, 3.5 hours west from Richmond, and 2 hours north of Greenboro, NC. In fact, it may as well be on Jupiter, because nobody has ever heard of it. Fuck Alien Ant Farm, fuck AAF, they got what they deserved.
Creed, With Arms Wide Open
Ok, here’s a tricky one. Creed’s first popular album entitled “I’m Not Yet Jesus-Enough” was pretty rocking. It offered a good selection of hard rock songs, moaning vocals, and a fresh sound (which, in retrospect, was a grim portent to the following years in popular music). Lead man Scott Scabies admitted they were a Christian rock band, which everyone seemed alright with as long as it was veiled in badass lyrics like “Demons cluttering around / My face showing no emotion / Shackled by my sentence / Expecting no return / Here there is no penance / My skin begins to burn.” But then they made a second album. At first, the single, “With Arms Wide Open” was tolerable, as it stayed put on the radio.
Then came the video. Holy shit was that a self-indulgent piece of A/V Christ-promoting bullshit. I know EXACTLY what lead man Scabies thought, too. [to himself] “Hey…now that we’re popular…I can use the band’s influence to gather all the lost sheep to the herd, His herd. I owe it to myself, and to them, my fans, who aren’t Christian or otherwise non-practicing.” So Scott grew his hair down to his shoulder blades and created a video which included about 400 different versions of Christ-imagery, including Scott handing a piece of chocolate birthday cake to Jesus in a Nazareth Chucky Cheezes scene. Also, the video exposed just how hokey and trite the music was. That’s it for this one, it doesn’t deserve any further explanation.
Sugar Ray, Fly
Ughhhh….we’re in the dredges now. Sugar Ray’s first album was actually pretty good, but the only people who listened to it were those who received it for Christmas from hip uncles who thought their nieces and nephews liked ‘that new radio song’ “Fly.” So began the invasion of “Fly” (not The Flys, “Got You Where I Want You,” which was kinda cool). I believe this was one of McG’s first music videos. McG is a small asian man who likes bright colors, goofy objects, and shit-eating grins in videos. I think he’s related to Joel Schumacher. The video featured a sexed-up Mark McGrath sidestepping around a rotating apartment with bright pink, bright green, and bright orange furnishings, wallpaper, etc. I think even the sky was fuscia. Mark sang about wanting to ‘fly,’ an unobvious simile to fucking in this case, while a homeless black man rapped unintelligibly in the background about something.
What’s even worse is that this reggae-influenced song was almost left off the album entirely since it didn’t fit in any way with the rest of it, which are all punk rock songs. But, their producer, who was also sucking Michael Eisner’s penis for permission to put Sugar Ray’s new ditty on Disney’s shadowy sister’s, MTV, TRL. Yes that’s right teenagers! Disney owns MTV! Maybe it’s not so controversial and in fact may be the most heavily censored channel aside from the Disney Channel! Fuck you. Point is, this song sucks, and so do you if you ever said “I just want to fly” and chuckled when Mark McGrath made a snide remark during MTV Spring Break model competitions.
Barenaked Ladies, One Week
That’s right, this group of Canadian socialists sucks. Many people love them, and people I've known very well for a long time still love them. It’s like taking the Chinatown bus to New York, or catching your little brother touching the cat inappropriately - it’s awkward to acknowledge and difficult to understand and accept, but probably necessary. ‘One Week’ sets the stage for crappy overplayed radio fungasms in the same vein as Harvey Danger’s “Flag Pole” and Bloodhound Gang’s “Fire Water Burn [aka. the roof is on fire].” When I used to say, “this band blows,” inexorably some quiet thick-rimmed glasses-wearing jackass would start up with, “but the other songs on the album are REALLY good and some are SO deep.” Really? Let’s find out.
Actual lyrics from:
‘One Week’: You’ll think you’re looking at aquaman / I summon fish to the dish, although I like the chalet swiss / I like the sushi ’cause it’s never touched a frying pan / Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes.
‘Long Way Back Home’: I have to go / I already know / Why not spend a week on a star / No time, he can’t get there by car
'Leave’: I’ve informed you to leave / ’cause I can’t afford to lose more sleep / I get ill when I get tired / So I’ll try to rest if you’ll stand guard / Do do do do do do do do whoa / Do do do do do do do [very clever rhyming pattern, is that iambic pentameter?]
‘Told You So’: A viral infection that can incubate for years / Caused by affection fallen deep into arrears / No medication to procure / Makes me pure, there’s no cure, I am sureOkay, that’s enough for me.
These lyrics are obviously something I wrote in 8th grade with a 12th grade thesaurus. With the exception of Our Lady Peace, Wolf Parade, and a select few, Canadian bands don’t grasp the realities of life below the 112th parallel. They write songs about Santa and bells.
Goldfinger, Here in Your Bedroom
Sometimes there’s a song you initially like, but have a distinct distasteful feeling in the back of your throat that you just can’t figure out. And, as you listen more and more to the song, it becomes more obvious: it’s just a stupid song. This is a good case-in-point. And with lyrics like, “you may change but I still stay the same,” or some variation…look, if you’re going to say anything about change being hard and actually using the word “change,” you may as well turn in your mic.
Smashmouth, All-Star
(silence). Ok, well… (silence). So… (silence). I…(silence). There’s not much to say about this one. Many theses have been written on how Smash Mouth contributed to the collapse of modern society. McG is largely responsible (the little asian guy who directed Sugar Ray's 'Fly'). My roommate sophomore year (Nate) and I once counted how many kneel-down two-fingered across-the-screen swipes the lead singer takes at the camera during this song’s video, I remember it was something in the realm of 25.
Rumor has it the band stole those stupid looking ATVs from the set, too, thinking that their sudden celebrity status afforded them the right to theft. Joke’s on them, because nobody cares about Smashmouth anymore at all, and in fact President Bush’s first State of the Union address called for the ‘full, swift, and decisive removal of all copies of Smashmouth’s sophomore outing, “Astro Lounge,” from the public’s possession, and for those albums to be loaded onto the space shuttle and shot into the Sun.” Unfortunately, this is one of the few things Bush did right, even though it inevitably failed when the shuttle exploded and littered southeast Asia with copies of this shitfest. Intelligence sources believe Kim Jong Il of N. Korea has been using the full track list of Astro Lounge to come up with a song so bad it will make the West surrender before a shot is fired.
I should also note that while searching for the album’s title, Amazon.com added this important tidbit; it should not be overlooked:
“Customers who bought this album also bought:
14:59 ~ Sugar Ray
Sugar Ray ~ Sugar Ray
Floored ~ Sugar Ray"
…Holy cow, I’m good at this.
Nickelback, How You Remind Me, from their freshman album ‘Silver Side Up’
Oh man how I wish I had a Delorean. I included the album title to make a point. The band’s name is “Nickelback.” Their album is “Silver Side Up.” Now let’s make some assumptions. Nickelback is aware of their name’s derivation being “nickel” and “back,” thus the back of a nickel. They know that nickels are silver, at least in color, not in composition [nickels are made of…nickel, atomic element no. 28]. Nickels are silver-colored on both sides. Ok. Now let’s check out the title again, “Silver Side Up.” Oh ok, this could be some intended play on words. But none really make sense. My guess is that Nickelback was trying to be tricky and playful by suggesting that no matter what, their band would always be popular, or at least will have a great prominence, logically based on their choice of band name.
Anyway, “How You Remind Me” was terrible, and not at all different from Seven Mary Three’s "Cumbersome,” whose lead guitarist and vocalist had been playing guitar for only 2 years when the album dropped. Also, the lead singer of Nickelback is named Chad, which is a dick name.
Some underperforming Chad’s from over the years:
Chad Henne, UMich quarterback;
Chad (neighbor), unassuming jackass;
Chad (northeast African country), a desert-covered battle-ridden wasteland.
That’s perfect logic ladies and gentlemen.
Blind Melon, No Rain
If you couldn’t tell from the video, this band had no idea what the hell it was about. Everyone praised this group of drugged-up hippies for their mold-breaking bumblebee girl music video and acoustic love rock album, even though nobody knew what the hell they meant with either. Lesson 1: hippies do not have sufficient attention-span to create music or video understandable whilst sober. Lesson 2: hippie bands who spring up in the middle of a decade of decadent heroin use will suffer the same fate as their hard rock counterparts. Lesson 3: Blind Melon sucked.
I’m sorry that the lead singer died, that does blow, since no band no matter how bad deserves that kind of thing [except true bastards like Rick James and Frank Sinatra], and I also kind of liked their rocking follow-up on the next album “Galaxy.” Unfortunately, singer Rachel or whatever (he had a girl’s name) didn’t listen to or watch the video for “Galaxy,” which fiercely warned of the danger of needle-drug use, and he died less than a year later from a heroin overdose. Nevertheless, "No Rain” washed away as quickly as it came and nobody thought of it until this article was featured on CNN two weeks from now.
The Cardigans, Love Fool
I had to suffer through an hour-long set of this flaky fairy-rock band before seeing Better Than Ezra about 4 years ago. What a lackluster bunch of crap that was. The lead singer seemed like she was about to fall asleep at any moment, and the guitarist performed most of his set by satellite sitting on a couch in his home in Malmo, Sweden. The drummer simply didn’t show up because he took too many quaaludes. Love Fool ended up in exactly seven Meg Ryan movies in 1999, and then they disappeared due to an act of God. They had a lot of trouble claiming damages on their insurance policy because of it.
Meredith Brooks, Bitch
She’s a bitch, and she wants everyone to know about it. A weary end to the short-lived and clunking girl rock fad.
OMC, How Bizarre
In Junior year of high school, a group of us guys went down the beach with some girls we know, some of whom were our girlfriends. The dudes in the hotel room below us were a year older and far stupider, but far brighter when it came to keeping our girls entertained. They played OMC’s ‘How Bizarre’ incessantly for 4 days straight and managed to lure most of our girls (except the fat and ugly ones, smartly) downstairs to their place to listen to this awful song on repeat. No other song on that CD was ever played. I can’t imagine why.
The fact that 16 year-old high school girls wooed over this song is evidence enough that it is awful, but I’ll supply some further evidence if you’d like. This is OMC’s only album. It would be an obvious move to create another album after capitalizing on such a simple song as “How Bizarre,” so why did OMC not do so? Perhaps because the band featured a New Zealand-born middle-class Los Angeles resident pretending to be a Mexican gangster from El Barrio? Couldn’t be.
The Verve Pipe, Freshman
The main reason to include this song/band is because it confused a generation of music listeners between “the good Verve” and “the bad Verve.” The Verve Pipe is “the bad Verve,” The Verve is “the good Verve.”
The Verve Pipe is a band from west-central Michigan who now resides where they came from. The Verve is an English band rooted in classic-rock who wrote the song “Bittersweet Symphony” and who broke up not long after they became big because the Rolling Stones were greedy assholes. The Verve Pipe wrote a song about being Freshman and being in love, etc., so highschoolers everyone were required under curricula to adhere to its popularity. Even though the song is actually about a teenage girl who has an abortion without the consent of the father and then kills herself with sleeping pills out of guilt, youngsters everywhere took it upon themselves to dilute and translate it into their inane and carefree lives. "The Freshman" then became prom songs, senior graduation themes, and Freddie Prince Jr. emotional epiphany moments. Probably played on the radio more times than it’s rained in London, I got pretty sick of this misinterpreted and poorly written sob song.
It should be noted that The Verve Pipe’s 1993 effort was entitled “Pop Smear,” and that their current website is selling a seemingly bootleg compilation CD of similarly shitty and forgettable songs which I actually forgot to include. Thanks to the 40-year old members of The Verve Pipe for the unintentional assistance!
1. John Mayer - "My Stupid Mouth"
2. Tabitha's Secret (Matchbox 20) - "3 AM"
3. Better Than Ezra - "Good"* (exception)
4. Five For Fighting - "Easy Tonight"
5. Shannon Worrell - "Eleanor"
6. Vertical Horizon - "Man Who Would Be Santa"
7. Train - "Meet Virginia"
8. The Gufs - "Give Back Yourself"
9. The Verve Pipe - "Spoonful of Sugar"
10. Shawn Mullins - "Lullaby"
11. Guster - "Window"
12. Hootie & The Blowfish - "Old Man & Me"
13. Cary Pierce - "Vineyard"
14. Edwin McCain - "Solitude
New Radicals, You Get What You Give
The big finish! These guys were somewhere between inverse Oreo’s and dorks. I mean, they tried really really hard to seem badass in their video and touch up their image, but you could see right through this talentless ragtag gaggle of Midwestern dopes. I just know that the guitarist wore anime t-shirts and a trenchcoat when they weren’t on camera. The lead singer (even on camera) wore white sneakers, black bellbottoms, and a deep v-necked, black, long-sleeve shirt, reminiscent of Zorro. To top it off, literally, he wore a floppy tan beach hat. Like, what the mother of fuck? And to boot, the song’s video featured them frolicking around a closed mall pretending to rough up the place.
I think they might have knocked a few leaves off of the fake plastic trees, at most. Their hearts just weren’t in it. I imagine that the song itself was some reflective message on the reciprocity of one’s deeds in life, and intended to inspire a youthful generation to follow in their fashionable example. Of course, the members were about 18 years old when they wrote this song, so perhaps they found out later that getting what you give also applies to writing albums and were thus doomed to one-hit wonderhood. But then again, their downfall may also be due to this perturbative event in June of 1999: (clipped from an unofficial Angelfire New Radicals fan site, the last trace of their existence apparently) “It has just been announced that Gregg Alexander (lead singer) has reportedly locked himself in a basement and canceled all tour dates.”
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