Monday, January 29, 2007

ETCW! leapfrogs Libertarian National Committee in Google Rankings (Reuters)

Washington, DC (Reuters) - In what some insiders consider a pyrrhic victory, newcomer blogosphere personality Brice Lord of "End The Cola Wars!" has leapfrogged the Official Website of the Libertarian National Committee and seems set to announce a New World Order.

When a user recently entered into Google's search engine the catchy signature of master blogger Brice Lord (owner and proprietor of ETCW!), "end the cola wars", they were previously directed to a page of links listing the LNC in first place and ETCW! in a seemingly distant second. Prominent K Street-based blogocrat Mordecai Wilfong, however, explains that "[sic] everyone in the business knew it was just a matter of time" before ETCW! made up the distance and surpassed the dated Libertarian cola wars platform. "It's just more current, more hip, more 'je ne sais qua'--whatever that means." added Wilfong.

Mr. Lord commented that this recent movement was simply another indicator of the growing popularity of the ETCW! party's movement to stymie and eventually eradicate pointless and wasteful commercial guerrilla warfare that stretches back "well over a decade," says Lord. "It is irresponsible and downright depraved for us to continue to ignore the suffering caused by this damaging and costly clash of juggernauts," he added.

Meanwhile, violence continued in the Midwest states as top cola-rival Pepsi unveiled a destructive new campaign against entrenched Coca-Cola loyalists in Illinois, Michigan, and Indiana. PepsiCo Counterintelligence Director Nicholas Ermanis stressed it was merely a preemptory move to suppress an impending strike against the cola manufacturer expected to last into Superbowl Monday. Coca-Cola operations spokesmen fiercely denied these claims.

It is commonly known that Lord strongly favors Coca-Cola over Pepsi, though denies holding favorites. He has even gone so far as to say that the only way to effect a peace plan should involve a dissolution of PepsiCo itself. "I do like Coke better, it's true. But this isn't about product loyalty, this is about protecting the American people from negligent flavorcide. In addition, PepsiCo is guilty of flagrantly perpetuating an ever-escalating war against its hated rival, and it should be punished for its crimes." Lord continued to cite detailed analysis supporting his platform, and it seems like many many others have joined his rallying call.

"The people have had enough!" cried Lord from a hill-top podium overlooking a field packed with avid supporters and victims of past Pepsi atrocities such as Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Jazz. "They are tired of being told that Pepsi is 'America's Choice.' They are tired being coerced into making 'The Choice of a New Generation.' And they are downright fed up with splinter cells of PepsiCo hit-squads forcing innocent citizens into the 'Pepsi Challenge.' Pepsi wants a choice? Then the choice is clear, and it isn't Crystal Pepsi!"

While the recent gains in Google rankings and growing support for a forceful arbitration to end the cola wars are evidence of Lord's grassroots popularity, he admits there's a long way to go. "Sure we're making great headway, but there's no telling when some imitating McSweeney will bump you out of the top spot. But we're not too concerned, our supporters know that you can't beat the real thing."

Lord says that while his platform is based on ending the cola wars, he has a few other ideas "your average red-blooded American" can agree with. He would not disclose further, stating that he is waiting for the country to be ready.

Interested parties can follow the struggle on Google's webpage located here.

--Asa G. Candler reporting.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Who's Worse?

Steve Miller Band or Jimmy Buffett?

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Pop Quiz

1. I've been at my job since September 2004; that's 28 months. How many emails do you think I have sent?

A) 1500
B) 2500
C) 3500
D) 4500
E) 5500
F) 6500
G) 7500

Answer: If you guessed A,B,C,D,E,or F, you're wrong. I've sent just about 9500 emails in the past 28 months. That's ...opening Excel... 340 emails per month, and 16 emails per work day.

2. I regularly interact with notable scientists, and have met and worked with several Nobel Laureates. How many Nobel Laureates do you think I've made out with?

A) 0
B) 1
C) 2
D) 3 or more

Answer: If you guessed B, you are correct. I made out with Dr. Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar, known especially for his calculation of gravitational collapse despite electron degeneracy pressure, a year ago during a conference in Prague on Earth-bound extramarital objects.

3. I am responsible for a variety of projects at work, from the small, easy, and quick to the complex, frustrating, and endless. What moment in my professional career has given me the biggest feeling of accomplishment?

A) Figuring out a way to cut $10,000 from a report's printing budget to keep the project on track
B) Receiving a promotion after a year on the job
C) Meeting Dr. Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar
D) Being offered a postdoctoral position from a university professor when I don't even have a Master's
E) Succesfully shooting a rubber band across my cubicle and landing it so that it hangs from a thumbtack stuck in the wall.

Answer: If you guessed E, you're right "on target." It took me at least 3 months to get the firing trajectory and power level just right so that I could even just hit the thumbtack; sticking it onto the tack, however, was God's work. The rubber band still hangs there to remind me of why I'm here.

4. People who know I do something "sciency" often confuse where I work with other notable sciency organizations. Which organization is most commonly confused with where I work?

A) National Science Foundation
B) National Aeronautics and Space Administration
C) The Weather Channel
D) The Astrology Page
E) National Car Rental

Answer: If it was left up to you, I would be trying to rent you a convertible instead of the compact economy car you asked for.

5. According to the general public, the Universe consists primarily of and is interconnected by:

A) Transcendentalist ether
B) Very thin, very long rope
C) Failed dreams
D) Failed hopes
E) Griffins
F) Marshmallows
G) Dark matter

Answer: As delicious as it sounds, F is incorrect, despite what the Jet-Puffed company has tried to tell you. According to the latest astronomical research, swarms of the mythical half-eagle, half-lion Griffin inhabit the heavens, policing the Cosmic Order and ensuring that the Infinity Gauntlet, Rings of Power, and Symbiote Suit are never used again.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Here comes a YouTube clip - Part 5

I started thinking about how cool normal things look when you slow them down to a pace your eye could never keep up with. Here's some neat-o high-speed camera work. Bullets going through stuff, water balloons, and other dynamic processes.

Here comes a YouTube clip - Part 4

I watch a lot of Mythbusters, a show on Discovery Channel that pits two special effects engineers against common (and not-so-common) myths. I thought this was awesome and really simple to do. Looks like a perfect activity for Dewey 07: Man Overboard.

Here comes a YouTube clip - Part 3

I was looking for a cool video of dominoes falling over but I found something much cooler. I've never seen a billiards trick shot better and more pointlessly complex than this.

Here comes a YouTube clip - Part 2

A bit unorthodox, but here's an incredible collection of wild soccer dribbling maneuvers and fake-outs. Pretty amazing stuff. Turn off the music, it's pretty bad.

Here comes a YouTube clip - Part 1

I'm feeling lazy and have been in Seattle for nearly a week now, so here's a clip of a Futurama that made me laugh out loud. I couldn't find a small clip, so skip to the funniest bit that begins ~2:37 and ends ~3:30.