Tuesday, August 01, 2006


It's Shark Week on Discovery Channel, and as usual, I was at the beach watching "10 Deadliest Sharks in the World" - a very Bill O'Reily look at the creatures Steven Spielberg taught us to fear. Watching this show, you can't help but want to be a fucking shark. There's nothing sharks do that isn't just so fucking cool.


Here's some fun fucking facts about being a shark:

1. You don't sleep, EVER (unless you're some pussy non-murderous shark). Imagine what you could do if you didn't have to sleep. You could sneak up on a sea turtle in the middle of the night and maul the shit out of it and then wear its shell for the next week and run around holding the A and B buttons together pretending to be Mario. You could rob banks and jump back into the sea with all the loot AND store it in your belly, which leads me to my next cool fucking shark fact...

2. You eat EVERYTHING. FUCKING EVERYTHING. Nothing exists, has existed, or will ever exist that hasn't been found inside a shark's stomach. They're swimming garbage disposals with a terrible attitude, like that kid who never showered in 3rd grade and showed up with dark, clothes hanger-shaped marks on his arms and legs. Sharks have eaten whales, sea captains, an 80-foot portrait of David Schwimmer being shipped from Burbank to an eccentric collector in Okaido, 40,000 metric tons of Skittles, and in one case a substantial fraction of the gravitational field of Venus. The coolest thing is that they don't even digest it, they just eat it and keep it. Sharks hate sharing.

3. Nothing will fuck with you. Hey look, a punk-ass, rainbow-colored fish... gobble. Oh, some silly squid is walking by... chomp. Cool, there's a militant Real World cast member... gulp. Fuck you, I'm a shark. What do you see when you look at me? Nothing, because you're eyes are already in my esophagus.
Some stupid fucking squid.

4. You don't think, you just react with your teeth. Somebody asks you how to get to the bus station, you fucking rip their face off. The farewatcher alerts you that airfare from Minneapolis to Buffalo goes down by $25, feeding frenzy at the preschool. TIVO cuts off Scrubs with a minute left, you jump 80 feet out of the water and grab an unassuming seafaring Estonian off the bow of a passing container ship. Just do it. It doesn't matter if the response doesn't necessarily address the issue at hand, you just do something cool and violent. It's like Nike but awesomer to the 26th power.

5. You eat cute animals all the time. Baby seals? Check. Baby turtles? Check. Baby monkeys? CHECK! If it's young, defenseless, and cute as a fucking button, it deserves a sudden and violent end within your jaws. And better still, don't bother eating it! Just let the lifeless creature float to the bottom of the sea to be eaten by soulless bottom-feeders and busboys.

6. You just CREEP around alllllll day scaring the shit out of everything that comes near. You also get the benefit of an accompanying John Williams orchestra for dramatic effect. Then, when everybody's guard it down, you eat the orchestra.

"Oh FUCK! He's just CREEPING."

If it isn't obvious by now that being a shark isn't cool as fucking shit, here's some things I'd do were I a shark for a day:

  • I'd go to Whole Foods, by a cold yellow Vitamin Water, and walk out without making a remark that I just ran 20 miles and need proper rehydration.
  • I'd hire a band of Tibetan porters to help me climb Mt. Everest, and then pay them in the number of days out of the year that I won't try and kill them.
  • I'd eat everyone in every Verizon store I could find, then do the same for Comcast. Then I'd write a letter of complaint to both companies claiming that their employees were too lazy to even try and save their own lives, much less reimburse me for the days I was without internet while they "processed (my) work order."
  • I'd scare the smartest person in the world into building a time machine, then travel back in time to when I scared him into building the machine and eat myself.
  • I'd force a classroom of kindergarteners to figure out once and for all how many fucking licks it takes to get to the center of a Blowpop. Once they figured it out I'd eat them all so that I would become the only person who will ever know the answer to that question, and then sue the Blowpop company for false advertising.

In conclusion, sharks win everything forever.