Monday, January 29, 2007

ETCW! leapfrogs Libertarian National Committee in Google Rankings (Reuters)

Washington, DC (Reuters) - In what some insiders consider a pyrrhic victory, newcomer blogosphere personality Brice Lord of "End The Cola Wars!" has leapfrogged the Official Website of the Libertarian National Committee and seems set to announce a New World Order.

When a user recently entered into Google's search engine the catchy signature of master blogger Brice Lord (owner and proprietor of ETCW!), "end the cola wars", they were previously directed to a page of links listing the LNC in first place and ETCW! in a seemingly distant second. Prominent K Street-based blogocrat Mordecai Wilfong, however, explains that "[sic] everyone in the business knew it was just a matter of time" before ETCW! made up the distance and surpassed the dated Libertarian cola wars platform. "It's just more current, more hip, more 'je ne sais qua'--whatever that means." added Wilfong.

Mr. Lord commented that this recent movement was simply another indicator of the growing popularity of the ETCW! party's movement to stymie and eventually eradicate pointless and wasteful commercial guerrilla warfare that stretches back "well over a decade," says Lord. "It is irresponsible and downright depraved for us to continue to ignore the suffering caused by this damaging and costly clash of juggernauts," he added.

Meanwhile, violence continued in the Midwest states as top cola-rival Pepsi unveiled a destructive new campaign against entrenched Coca-Cola loyalists in Illinois, Michigan, and Indiana. PepsiCo Counterintelligence Director Nicholas Ermanis stressed it was merely a preemptory move to suppress an impending strike against the cola manufacturer expected to last into Superbowl Monday. Coca-Cola operations spokesmen fiercely denied these claims.

It is commonly known that Lord strongly favors Coca-Cola over Pepsi, though denies holding favorites. He has even gone so far as to say that the only way to effect a peace plan should involve a dissolution of PepsiCo itself. "I do like Coke better, it's true. But this isn't about product loyalty, this is about protecting the American people from negligent flavorcide. In addition, PepsiCo is guilty of flagrantly perpetuating an ever-escalating war against its hated rival, and it should be punished for its crimes." Lord continued to cite detailed analysis supporting his platform, and it seems like many many others have joined his rallying call.

"The people have had enough!" cried Lord from a hill-top podium overlooking a field packed with avid supporters and victims of past Pepsi atrocities such as Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Jazz. "They are tired of being told that Pepsi is 'America's Choice.' They are tired being coerced into making 'The Choice of a New Generation.' And they are downright fed up with splinter cells of PepsiCo hit-squads forcing innocent citizens into the 'Pepsi Challenge.' Pepsi wants a choice? Then the choice is clear, and it isn't Crystal Pepsi!"

While the recent gains in Google rankings and growing support for a forceful arbitration to end the cola wars are evidence of Lord's grassroots popularity, he admits there's a long way to go. "Sure we're making great headway, but there's no telling when some imitating McSweeney will bump you out of the top spot. But we're not too concerned, our supporters know that you can't beat the real thing."

Lord says that while his platform is based on ending the cola wars, he has a few other ideas "your average red-blooded American" can agree with. He would not disclose further, stating that he is waiting for the country to be ready.

Interested parties can follow the struggle on Google's webpage located here.

--Asa G. Candler reporting.

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