Monday, October 22, 2007

notes from the road

A couple funny things have happened during my trip tonight, and when you're traveling alone on business in a foreign country it doesn't take much for something to be funny, by the way.

Eurocar and Eurodude.

So I went to this Indian restaurant on Rue des Pasquis tonight on a whim; don't ask me why I wanted Indian whilst in a country composed of an odd French-German culture fusion. It was delicious, so eat me. So I got the check, and asked if I could pay with credit card, which for some reason is not as commonplace as it is in the States. The guy shook his head no, I looked in my wallet: no cash. I shrugged and he looked at me and yelled in French, probably saying something like "you goddamn Americans!" As he turned away from me I dashed for the door but the bartender saw me going for it and locked it electronically. As the waiter turned around to grab me I drew and put one between his eyes; his suddenly lifeless body cut his legs out from under him. Patrons began screaming. I fired another few shots toward the bartender before he unlocked the door to let me leave without hurting, or killing, anyone else. I wasn't planning on killing anybody this year, but I got carried away and walked up to the bar and plugged him in the back a few times. A few children got in the way and are on the news now. The American flag that came out of my pocket as I initially drew my firearm hit the ground just as I exited the restaurant, the smell of lead thickening the air as I bowed my head and walked into the sunset, the fatally-wounded still falling to the floor. God Bless U.S.A. So I had to check out of my hotel and am now in a hostel in Cartigny, just over the border in France. I'm writing this because I need someone to Western Union about CHF 1,640 to bribe the customs people in Marseilles and then in Tunis. It's an odd amount to request because we all know that Western Union screws you royally on money transfers and I need about CHF 1,500. After that I'm out of your hair. Please send your donations to endthecolawars at gmail dot com. I'm standing by. And please don't report these slayings, I really didn't mean to increase Switzerland's annual homicide rate threefold in one evening. You would've done the same thing if some brasserie didn't take VISA.

The getaway car. Sam drove. I didn't get his last name.

...which is nowhere near as entertaining. So I put my credit card down for the meal, and the Ukranian waiter who spoke great English says, "oooohhh, uhhh, hmm, is that American Express?" First thing that crossed my mind was, "Shit, you have to be kidding me; those commercials can't be true." I say, "No. It's VISA." Him: "Oh okay, good, that's fine." And he ran off with the bill. Goes to show you what a bullshit slogan like "Don't leave home without it" gets you in real life. Fuck AmEx. Then I started shooting.

You can just hear a crow cawing, can't you? You'd better pick up that whip extension or you'll never make it past the gargoyle at the entrance.


Arlene said...

Um, it's called AMERICAN Express. I traveled with someone who was complaining why some tiny shop in Paris wouldn't take Amex. And besides, that slogan makes tons of sense, any card that truly calls itself American wouldn't be spending any quality time outside the continental US anyway. AMERICA IS HOME. We're #1!

Jenn N said...

No worries Dave, at least you weren't the stupid American tourist that I ALWAYS end up behind in line who tries to pay in dollars everywhere in Europe.

Brice Lord said...

"Hinterlassen Sie Ihren Kommentar."

Paying in dollars is probably as easy as paying in Swiss Francs. Even the cashiers can't tell the difference between the 1/2 CHF and .10 CHF, and their coins go up to 5 CHF. Weirdos.