Wednesday, June 20, 2007


With the upcoming release of what will probably be another one of the most overanticipated and underenjoyed movies of all time, I thought it was interesting that I stumbled across this in Google's Patent search (which apparently exists).

Recognize that fella? That's fucking Megatron boy-ee. So you'd better recognize.

Getting excited about stumbling upon the patent filed for the Megatron "toy gun convertible into robot-humanoid form" fills me with both glee and a weighty sense of nostalgia. While it makes me happy to be reminded of one of the best cartoon during my childhood, I recognize that it's pretty fucking lame to have been so by looking at a patent from 1986.

In digging a little bit, I'm amazed to learn that new shows only ran for 3 years, between 1984 and 1987. I guess I didn't really realize that when I was 6, since watching the same episode 20 times in a month didn't make much of a difference to me.

If you remember, things changed considerably in the series when the first Transformers movie (The Transformers: The Movie) came out in 1986. In this screaming guitar solo-laced cartoon movie, Megatron and his Decepticons committed countless atrocities against the Autobots and their wimpy human friends. Basically all of the main characters were killed off, not to mention that this was the first time any character had ever died in any cartoon show. So to really drive home the point that 6-year olds shouldn't just naively assume cartoon robots that battle for global domination against an evil transformable-robot syndicate every day are immortal, the movie's producers included a scene in which Megatron shoots Autobot Ironhide point-blank in the head after telling him about the plan to destroy Autobot City. Ironhide's corpse was later recovered and given the honor of being laid to rest in the Autobots' deep-space mausoleum, which was later destroyed. That's really necessary. I guess just in case we had any doubt about the smoking hole in Ironhide's skull...or metal box that looks like a head.

The tattered corpses of Autobots Windcharger and Wheeljack, murdered without a doubt by Decepticons in The Transformers: The Movie.

It really isn't surprising that the same production company that made the first Transformers movie also made the G.I. Joe Movie, which contained the same measure of unexpected violent insanity.

So what will the next generation of Transformers movies look like? Well, it's been 20 years, so it probably won't have the voice of the now-deceased Orson Welles, though I bet the music will be just as bad (cue Nickelback). I imagine my impression of it will be different, too, since I didn't make a practice of going to movies drunk when I was 6 years old.

Here's my prediction: 1 part shitty Spiderman CGI + 1 part Godzilla action + 1 part Starship Troopers dialogue.

Stop swinging. Stop running. Stop talking.


Phil said...

That's 120 seconds of my life gone forever. I applaud and thank you for that.

roy hobbs said...

you were close on the soundtrack. the goo goo dolls. there is no way Blaster would have played goo goo dolls.

Brice Lord said...

Yeah, but Bumblebee might have.

Seriously, Goo Goo Dolls? WTF? They were popular back when that crappy Meg Ryan movie "City of Angels" was out, what was that, like almost a decade ago? You'd think the producers would spend a little more coin on a soundtrack...