Friday, September 07, 2007

busy week = mind melt

As the title implies, I've been pretty busy at work. My work isn't interesting to read about---or anyone's work for that matter, unless you're Batman---so i'll spare you...for now. Random thought, but what in the hell ever happened to Pacey from Dawson's Creek? I'm not sure what his name was (past tense is indeed appropriate here), but the last movie I remember him being in was The Skulls, which I think came out in 2001. I wonder what's worse, being a jobless Dawson graduate (Pacey) or being a jobless Dawson graduate AND having your career driven into a ravine and being impregnated by a inculcating madman (Holmes). I guess I answered my own question. If you can't tell from the sharp rise in multisyllabic words I've been using lately, I've been studying for the GRE and putting a lot of time (read: 2 hours per week) in what I call WordBlasting. WordBlasting is where you take a list of several hundred words, intravenously-introduced Peruvian blue cocaine, 7 minutes, and a cool, damp cloth. It works wonders, believe me. I'm planning on asking for my $565 back from the USDA Grad School where I took test prep classes recently. The only problem is that I tend to pass out for about 6 hours after WordBlasting, but when I wake up, boy do I know my vocabulary. Sure, I'm usually bleeding from one ear and have a mysterious amount of change in my pockets when I come around, but it's imperative that I improve my GRE English score. I mean, it's not just because I need to do well on the GRE, who doesn't need to know words like "prolix" and "interregnum?" I can't tell you how many times Tony Cornheiser has described The USC Trojans' uniforms as "incarnadine," and Anderson Cooper has referred to Iran's nuclear program as "sub rosa." MathBlasting is a little different because it tends to involve things like the quadratic formula and the rhombus. These godless machinations require artful square root signs and articulated spatial relations skills, so I have to make sure my head's a little clearer. Nothing's worse than dropping blotter acid while MathBlasting and winding up with two parallel lines shooting straight out of my chest. Want to know the 12th power of 2? It's 4,096. What about the hypotenuse of a triangle whose legs are 9 and 40? It's 41. Do you know how I know that? Because I have to for the GRE, and because I get emails all the time from ETCW! fans demanding that I make simple calculations in my head for them. I don't get it either, but that's how useful all of this is in real life. No matter how much drugs I do, nothing can prepare me for the two essay questions, one of which fools me every time with deceptively cogent logic like, "Garyville is a small town with a big factory. Because it has a big factory, it absolutely must have a man who owns a saddle. Unicorns don't allow men with saddles to ride them, so it is unquestionable that no unicorns own more than 1 acre of property in Chuckton, the town 10 miles down the road from Garyville." Honestly, for the life of me, I just am unable to identify the logical flaws in that argument. By the way, have you ever wondered what would happen if you secretly walked up behind someone at their computer in your office and blew an airhorn? Or threw a brick at their head? That would make for some good, incarcerative YouTube. I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that someone keeps stealing my staple remover? I'd staple it down to my desk, but then how would I get it off? I bet Confucius wondered the same thing at some point. Actually, I bet he didn't, not because there was no such thing as a staple remover back then, but because I'm way smarter than he will ever be. "Man with hand in pocket not always playing with coin." What the fuck Confucius? You fucking pervert. I'd better lock up my daughters around you. Wait, maybe this has something to do with why I always end up with coins in my pocket when WordBlasting... uh-oh.

8 comments:

adspar said...

dont forget pacey's cameo as a washed-up celeb in ocean's 11

Erm said...

my Tiger Woods golf character looks like Joshua Jackson... lucky me.

Arlene said...

Um Pacey is dating that hot piece from the Nic Cage movie where he steals the Declaration of Independence. When was the last time you were dating a leggy blonde (bonus points if you get that reference)? I don't know your girlfriend though, so maybe I'm wrong, apologies to Dave's leggy blonde girlfriend.

Jessica said...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005045/
How I wish I was Batman. Or had any other job that included saving the world.

roy hobbs said...

can you spell "Kornheiser's" name properly? all of this wordblasting is bringing you closer to your goal of re-enacting a real life version of "fear and loathing in las vegas."

CJ said...

That was a lot of words. So many words that it hurt my sore eyes and I had to put sunglasses on. Thanks a lot!

Brice Lord said...

Wow, I write a lengthy polemic on domestic energy usage and get no comments; I write a single run-on stream of consciousness paragraph that touches on several pop culture icons and I get a relative flood. I think I know where I'm taking this blog in the future: Idaho! No, wait...what was I talking about?

Allow me to address all your comments :

1) never saw ocean's 11
2) that's hilarious
3) I don't have a leggy blonde girlfriend, I have three leggy blonde girlfriends; the Girls Next Door crew is scouting me out as I type.
4) Batman is definitely the most-lame-superhero turned most-cool-superhero thanks to the movies, whereas Spidey is the other way around.
5) Hunter S. Thompson's would've topped it off with some adrenocrene.
6) Your eyes can eat it.

CJ said...

my eyes will eat you!