Friday, April 13, 2007

Why do these pictures exist?

I've got a pretty good set of hard-to-fathom pictures on my computer, so I thought I'd share a couple. I'll also struggle to understand why these pictures even exist and what they mean for mankind.

(ABOVE) Yeah, that's Wilford Brimley. He's the guy from those Werther's Original butterscotch candy commercials, and who, if you're over the age of 65, has been trying to sell you life insurance. Why somebody bothered to take a picture of a shirtless Mr. Brimley at the beach, and how somebody even recognized him, is way beyond me.

(ABOVE) "Hey, do you want a hot dog or somethi... HOLY SHIT!!!" I'm not sure what this "clown" on Coney Island is supposed to do for business, but I'm sure as shit that it was placed there by Lucifer himself. I mean, look at this kid's face! How can it possibly remind anyone of anything other than someone writhing in agony in the pits of Hell? That cute little sombrero doesn't fool me one fucking bit either, I bet if you touch this thing those flying demons from Ghost will come out of the ground and drag you down to Satan. And look at the demonic little man-face on this kid's t-shirt, it's like a cross between the Joker and The Violator from the Spawn comics. I can't imagine why Coney Island went belly-up. And thank god somebody copyrighted that photo, I'm sure Ms. Dembling got to retire early because of it.

(ABOVE) Pop quiz: Is this a costume party or not?

I can come up with at least three stories as to how the planets aligned for this picture to have been created on our plane of existence, and none of them involve a costume party. The simplest, and therefore probably the correct one (much thanks to Occam and his cutlery), is that the two girls in the prom dresses are getting ready to go to their senior prom taking place somewhere in the middle of South Dakota. They don't have dates so they decided to dress up more than usual. The house, which has more wood paneling than is legal in the 48 contiguous, belongs to the parents of the blue prom dress girl. The lanky guy with the trucker hat and bleach-stained whitewashed jeans (henceforth known as "Stretch") on the right and the girl in the electric blue garbage bag are also on their way to the prom, but are taking it more casually because Stretch has to go back to work at White Castle later that night. That's Stretch's 1980's-era camera on the table. The girl in the translucent red top is the sister of blue garbage bag girl; the guy with the shades and buzz cut behind her is her boyfriend who had to drive both sisters over to blue prom dress girl's house before the big night. The tall guy in the middle is the Estonian exchange student living at the house who had to borrow the father's old gym gear because his luggage was confiscated in Slovenia during his trip to the States. He just got back from the gym in time to say "bye" before the big night. Make sense?

(ABOVE) I dare you to find one square inch of this Kenny Loggins album that isn't bewildering. I'm not really sure where to start, so how about with the title, Return to Pooh Corner. So you're probably thinking, okay, it's probably an album for children. Putting aside his gay anthem "Playing With The Boys" from Top Gun for a minute, do you remember prancing unicorns and robed, bearded men lying around ponds in the Winnie the Pooh series? No, in fact that sounds a lot more the backstory for a To Catch A Predator episode. The next thing you might notice on this cover is Kenny's reflection in the pond. Yep, that's a kid in there. But is it Kenny's reflection minus 45 years and a beard, or just some toddler he's banished to the mirror world with his black magic? All of the sudden the mirror world theory looks pretty compelling doesn't it? Just try and tell me that Kenny's face isn't full of wicked joy and twisted self-accomplishment, and that the kid's eyes don't look soul-less and empty after being driven into the spirit world. I don't think Pooh Bear would approve of this depiction of Pooh Corner, or the 39% discount Loggins is hawking.

1 comment:

Jedi Master Gil said...

HAHAHA the funniest thing I've seen all day is taht Pooh Corner album cover! the others were good, but this one takes the cake, keep up the wittyness!